This post (and probably the few following posts) are about Urbana. A student missions conference held in St. Louis every 3 years.
Some of the following are excerpts directly from my journal, and that's kind of scary for me. To put that out here. But it's real, and raw, and what I was going through.
Here is God's impact on my life and how my life has changed forever.
As I sat and looked around the dome the last night of Urbana, these were my thoughts.
Is this what Heaven is like?
Will we take communion with all different cultures, races and ethnicities?
Will we all pray together like this?
Will we all praise God in different languages like this?
Because this is beautiful.
That night we did North American style worship and service. We did a litany, Lord's prayer, Apostles Creed, etc. It felt like being home so far away from home. After being exposed to all different kinds of cultures, worship styles, and languages all week, it was nice to be reminded of my own.
We brought in the New Year singing Yeshu Tera Naam Sabse Uncha Hai - from Mumbai, India. It means - Jesus Your Name is Higher than any other. Here's a link to the song:
I found myself thinking...where was I one year ago tonight? I was sitting at home. Watching the ball drop in Times Square. Kind of bored. Tired.
But now.
This year.
Look at the work God has done in me in one year! I am at a missions conference in St. Louis! I am re-energized and filled with an unquenchable fire for Christ!
I wrestled. I wrestled a lot with God over that week. It was difficult for me to write this down. It's strange even for me to type it out now. But I am going to be a missionary. I am a missionary. In all aspects of my life. Locally right now. And overseas one day.
Last year I was empty, and tired in both body and spirit. This year, I am only empty, drained and tired in my physical body. I am fully alive and on fire for Christ! For His global mission! I want to be part of it! I am part of it!
Looking back, God has brought me so far. I have NO reason to doubt Him. Look already, I've gone to New Orleans and St. Louis. I've survived and I've thrived because of Him. I know He sent me to those places. To be here. Right now. For a reason. And the reason is to seek and save the lost.
Everywhere.
God, I am Yours.
And some people may not know it yet, but they are Yours too.
So why not get to know them?
We all belong together anyway.
God has been working on me for a really long time now. Maybe even since I was young and did not know it. And I ran away. And I made my own plans. My own dreams. My own desires. Go to nursing school, graduate top of my class, work at a top teaching hospital in the U.S., maybe Georgetown, and make enough money to support myself. Live in a little apartment, maybe have a cat, live a comfortable life. These dreams may seem small, but I had them nonetheless. I didn't think they were selfish dreams either. They were service oriented. I want to be a nurse. I want to help people. Help to heal people. Walk with them in their trials and troubles. I don't want to be a nurse because of money or job security. I thought that was good. I could do what I wanted to do and serve God too. Kind of like a side thing.
It's not like I was being selfish here, right? It's not like I am trying to make a ton of money. I thought these were good things, good ideas, and good plans.
Over the past few days...God has been pointing his finger directly at me. Backing me into a corner. As if saying...
THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I ALONE AM GOOD. AND I ALONE DO GOOD THINGS. AND I HAVE SOMETHING BETTER FOR YOU.
And that's what the back of my Urbana t-shirt says. It says - You Were Made For Something Great.
That's not to say I will be great. That's not to say that I will do great things. God alone is great. He alone is doing great things. And He wants me to be part of it. He has invited me. And I've accepted! I'm going to the party! And it's awesome, exciting, scary and confusing! It's so many things. It is good.
I had to ask myself a really hard question this week.
Do I believe that what God has for me is good?
I've doubted, feared and ran away. And I laid those things at the foot of the cross. I believe that what God has for me is GOOD. Not easy. Not comfortable. Not happy times. No smooth sailing through life. But good. Great even!
"All that your heart desires, all that you deeply pursue, are found in the heart of the Father." -Ram Sridharan, one of the incredible speakers that week.
I encountered Jesus this week in new and exciting ways. Throughout multilingual worship, fellowship with His people from all different cultures and prayer. A prayer meeting in particular.
The prayer minister told us to close our eyes the entire time. We were sitting in a circle. She said to envision a cross sitting in the middle of the circle. And try to keep our gaze fixed upon that. In the prayer, the minister led us through a series of things that keep us from Jesus. And then asked us to lay them at the foot of the cross. Lies we believed. Fear we had. Insecurities. Lack of trust. For example, she said that if anyone ever told us we weren't good enough, that was a lie, and to lay it at the foot of the cross. All the girls in my group had a different experience with this, including myself. And many were in tears. We went around and shared what we saw. I'll only share mine for confidentiality, but it was just as powerful as everyone else's experience.
When I was asked to lay down those things at the foot of the cross, I saw garbage. Each thing was like a black bag of nasty, smelly, gross garbage. And I was just holding it. And I hadn't realized I was holding it. And when I finally realized I was holding this filth, I thought - Ewww.
So theological right?
Ewww. What am I doing? Why am I holding all this nasty stuff so close to me?
And it was so heavy. I was getting so tired from holding it. And there Jesus was standing, arms open, as if saying - Go ahead, toss it over here.
And I was reluctant. I thought - No, Jesus. This isn't your trash. It's mine. I should be the one to take care of it.
And He just smiled at me. He lifted one eyebrow playfully as if to say - You really think you can keep carrying that around? It's pretty dirty you know...
Like He knew how heavy my arms were, and how much I dislike smelling bad. I'm the type of person that likes to take a shower every day because I like to feel clean.
He said again - Go ahead, toss it over here.
I knew He was right. So I tossed it over to Him. And He caught it with ease. And put it at the foot of the cross for me. And we kept this assembly line going for a few more bags. Until there was a huge, nasty, gross, smelly pile of garbage at the foot of the cross.
All mine.
I looked at Jesus and I just said - I'm so sorry, Jesus. I've turned Your cross into a garbage dump. I'm so, so sorry.
And he smiled again as if saying - Just you wait.
The next thing I was not expecting at all. He lit it on fire. All of it. All of the garbage was on fire. Burning. Wasting away. And these GREAT flames encircled the cross. It was a sight, I could barely tear my eyes away from it. And I looked for Jesus because I wanted to thank Him.
I didn't see Him at first, but then I did. He was down with the flames! But He was not consumed by them, they literally could not consume Him. And here's the great part. He was dancing in them. He was dancing in the flames, around them, with them, in pure joy. He was having a party down there! Jesus was having a dance party while the garbage was burning! Like nothing else brought Him greater joy in that moment!
I watched Him, and I wanted to join Him! I wanted to dance in the flames with Him and feel that joy too! And He reached out His hand, and there was a dark hole in it, right in the middle where it looked like blood had dried.
And then we said Amen.
And I opened my eyes.
Oh it gets better! I was reading through my notes from over the week. And the first full day at Urbana, I wrote down a phrase. God was working on this in me since the very first day at Urbana. Wow. I didn't even realize this connection until the plane ride home. The phrase I wrote down was...
Jesus is the Garbage Collector.
Jesus doesn't say to come and be baptised, sit in one place and be nice to people and do nice things for them. That's all well and good. But he doesn't say to do that.
Jesus says, come and be baptised, give me all of your garbage you've been carrying around, and GO be a witness. Make disciples and PROCLAIM my name to the ends of the earth. This is our COMMAND, and we are all CALLED to carry this out in different ways.
I don't know how, when or where. But that's exactly what I'm going to do. That's why I'm so confused. And that's why I'm so confident. I'm confused and unsure of what comes next in my life. But I've never been more confident that I am His and I have a task to do. To seek and save the lost. We, I, don't have time to waste coasting in comfortable Christianity.
"Do we really think we have better things to do with our time or our life than what is great on the heart of God?" I don't remember who said that. But it really convicted me.
I've never had so much to consider or such a heavy weight upon my heart in all 19 years of my life.
If you're reading this for the first time, and you don't know Jesus and want to know Him, I pray that you do.
Don't waste any more time like I did.
Let Jesus collect all of your garbage. Your doubts. Your fears. Your sins. So He can burn them. He took all of our garbage on Himself. He allowed Himself to be crushed by it. AND DEATH COULD NOT HOLD HIM. And He forgives us. And not only does He forgive us, He remembers our sins no more. And not only does He remember our sins no more, He invites us to FEAST with Him. You only have to accept the invitation. He has invited me! And I must be there! It is an ALL or nothing-at-all invitation! SAY YES! Say yes to our Lord and Savior, Maker of Heaven and Earth and PROCLAIM His Holy name! Dance in the flames with Him!
Say YES to the Garbage Collector
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