One of my dearest friends pointed out something to me this week.
She told me...I should just enjoy where I am.
I should enjoy where I am.
That's tough. To be honest. I think that's one of the biggest obstacles I've been facing. I haven't been enjoying where I am at all. I've been wanting to be somewhere else. A different time. A different place.
Don't get me wrong, I love being at JMU. If there's anything I've learned working for Orientation so far is how much I love James Madison University. I couldn't be happier or more blessed to be here. But even being at JMU, I want it to be summer already so Orientation can begin.
I want to serve the incoming freshmen and transfer students at JMU.
I want to study abroad in Australia.
I want to work the night shifts in the emergency room.
I want to explore the world.
I want to be immersed in other cultures.
I want to do mission work in Africa.
I want to travel with gypsies.
Befriend prostitutes.
Hold the hands of orphans.
Support women who are abused by men - physically, mentally, emotionally.
Care for people with HIV/AIDS.
Rescue the 27 million slaves worldwide.
I want to do the World Race. 11 countries. 11 months.
I want to love those who have never been shown love before.
If anyone was ever told they were nothing and not good enough, I want to tell them that was a lie.
...But I should enjoy where I am...
I want what I can't have right at this moment. Isn't that always the case?
I'm supposed to enjoy long days and short nights. Constantly writing papers, reading textbooks, and keeping up with classes. Stressing out about how much nursing school is going to cost. Going. Going. Going. Always. How do I enjoy that? There's so many other things I would rather be doing.
I am restless in my desire to be someplace else, doing something else. I understand I need a degree. According to the world, you need a college degree to get anywhere in life. But what if I don't want to be successful according to the world's standards?
Did Jesus ever feel this way here on earth?
Would Jesus even go to college if He came to earth in this day and age? Would He like it? Or would He be wanting to get out into the world? Was He content staying in the same place for 4 years?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to drop out of college or anything. It's just frustrating sometimes and I wonder what's the point of it all. And I don't want to wish my college years away at all. It's a difficult emotion to convey. I do want to be here, I do. I'm just restless about it.
I feel like my time is incredibly limited and short here on earth. It makes my heart hurt thinking about it.
I know I am where I am supposed to be at this moment.
For a reason.
For a purpose.
Even though I don't see it.
I should enjoy where I am.
Grow where you're planted, right? Or however that saying goes.
Sometimes it's hard to grow under a foot of snow in the mountains burdened by 20 lbs textbooks.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Spring Break and Sorts
Deep breath in, deep breath out.
This week back from spring break has been crazy for me. I'm trying to adjust to everything going on and my new responsibilities of being an OPA.
But first, spring break.
I started off my spring break 2013 by giving a presentation on my experience at Urbana. Say what????? It's true! I gave a presentation. And people actually came to it. And they didn't fall asleep. Now that right there is success.
But in all seriousness, I loved giving that presentation. It was really awesome to talk about Urbana. I thought I would be super nervous, but I really wasn't. It was great giving my perspective, my experience, and things I learned about myself and God along the way. One gentleman came up to me afterwards and told me I have a gift for public speaking, which meant so much to me. I beg to differ, but I guess it wasn't too bad. Another person told me I should take it on the road and present at other churches, another said I should go into ministry. All very humbling and encouraging comments, I loved all of them. I also gave the presentation with a full blown sinus infection, so to have positive comments was greatly appreciated!
Next on the agenda was OBX. I spent 4 days in the outer banks with my parents, which was awesome. I feel like I don't get to see them as much anymore, so spending some down time together was great. We're very low key people, so we didn't do too much. We played cards, did some reading, went out to eat, watched tv etc. But that was perfectly fine with me. We went to Hatteras one day to see the lighthouse.
I have a thing for lighthouses, if you can't tell. But that was really fun for me, and I'm glad my parents indulged me. I also got to see some beautiful North Carolina sunsets...
And I got to explore some piers, which I also love.
It was an all around relaxing vacation. I enjoyed it. I don't think I've ever gone to the OBX and not enjoyed it, to be honest. It's one of those places that never gets old.
Finally on the spring break agenda, I went to the NODA Conference in D.C. for orientation. Since I'm working for JMU's Orientation now, I get cool perks like going to DC for a weekend! We had lovely accommodations in the Marriott (by far the fanciest hotel I've ever stayed in) and the conference was on the George Washington University campus within walking distance.
It was very interesting and enlightening to meet with representatives from other schools to see what they're doing in their orientation programs. I quickly found out that I work for a very well put together orientation program compared to some other schools, so I'm very blessed in that! And I got some great ideas and activities that maybe our team could implement.
All around, I had an awesome time. From icebreakers, karaoke, educational sessions, exploring Georgetown, getting DC cupcakes and yummy Thai food. It was a very busy but very good weekend to end spring break. I also loved hanging out with a few members of the O-team (orientation team) and the Pro-staff (professional staff).
What a whirlwind! Whew. I haven't decided if I like or dislike the busyness yet. It is what it is, I suppose.
While all of this sounds just fine and dandy, I wouldn't be honest if I said everything is wonderful. My parents and my accountability partner back home have all urged and suggested that I see a counselor. It was brought to my attention, and now I've noticed myself, I have been showing signs of trauma and PTSD. This is in regards to my roommate situation that happened about a month and a half ago. What got me was when I found my roommate on the floor again one night a couple weeks ago, eating food off the floor because she was so drunk, I immediately had a flashback. Even though she wasn't in trouble, I started to get really upset even though I knew she was ok. I saw the event happen all over again, my heart started racing, my head spun, I started sweating and I shook uncontrollably. I felt out of control of my body and it scared me, because everything around me was fine, but I was having this awful reaction. I even feel anxious when they're in the apartment, just hearing their voices or walk around or hearing the door slam. I've been jumpy, easily startled, great difficulty sleeping, a hard time concentrating and just being irritable and angry in general.
I thought these issues would just go away with time. But they have not. And what's worse, they're affecting all the other areas of my life, not just my living situation. It's affecting my school work, social life, close personal relationships and my own personal health. I don't even remember when the last time was I slept all the way through the night. I've had zero energy to do any kind of exercise recently. And I've been taking it out on the people I love the most, which isn't fair to them. So hence, the counselor. I am interested to see how this will change my outlook and coping strategies to get through the rest of this semester. I am very open minded, I've pretty much hit rock bottom here with my sanity. I feel completely broken down. I don't know what else to do. I feel quite numb and disengaged at this point. So I'm open to any suggestions for how to improve.
It's easy to post about the happy stuff in life, not so easy to post about the unhappy stuff. But life comes with both. I'm human, I have struggles, I have issues and I'm not afraid to admit that now. It's difficult to admit at first that I can't do this on my own and I do have a problem I can't fix. My pride got in the way, for sure.
I do have a God that is greater than my problems. I was frustrated for a bit that God wasn't taking this away. God doesn't promise us that He will take our problems away, but that He will be there with us at every moment through them. It's a tough concept. Because if God loves me, and if I love God, why am I living like this? It's something I wrestle with. And I don't think there's an easy answer. But I have no doubt in my mind of God's love for me. Happy, sad, content, angry, PTSD or no PTSD. I can rest in knowing that while I change like the tide, God never changes.
If you're reading this, prayers would be greatly appreciated.
I feel so out of sorts. Sheeeeesh.
This week back from spring break has been crazy for me. I'm trying to adjust to everything going on and my new responsibilities of being an OPA.
But first, spring break.
I started off my spring break 2013 by giving a presentation on my experience at Urbana. Say what????? It's true! I gave a presentation. And people actually came to it. And they didn't fall asleep. Now that right there is success.
But in all seriousness, I loved giving that presentation. It was really awesome to talk about Urbana. I thought I would be super nervous, but I really wasn't. It was great giving my perspective, my experience, and things I learned about myself and God along the way. One gentleman came up to me afterwards and told me I have a gift for public speaking, which meant so much to me. I beg to differ, but I guess it wasn't too bad. Another person told me I should take it on the road and present at other churches, another said I should go into ministry. All very humbling and encouraging comments, I loved all of them. I also gave the presentation with a full blown sinus infection, so to have positive comments was greatly appreciated!
Next on the agenda was OBX. I spent 4 days in the outer banks with my parents, which was awesome. I feel like I don't get to see them as much anymore, so spending some down time together was great. We're very low key people, so we didn't do too much. We played cards, did some reading, went out to eat, watched tv etc. But that was perfectly fine with me. We went to Hatteras one day to see the lighthouse.
Finally on the spring break agenda, I went to the NODA Conference in D.C. for orientation. Since I'm working for JMU's Orientation now, I get cool perks like going to DC for a weekend! We had lovely accommodations in the Marriott (by far the fanciest hotel I've ever stayed in) and the conference was on the George Washington University campus within walking distance.
It was very interesting and enlightening to meet with representatives from other schools to see what they're doing in their orientation programs. I quickly found out that I work for a very well put together orientation program compared to some other schools, so I'm very blessed in that! And I got some great ideas and activities that maybe our team could implement.
All around, I had an awesome time. From icebreakers, karaoke, educational sessions, exploring Georgetown, getting DC cupcakes and yummy Thai food. It was a very busy but very good weekend to end spring break. I also loved hanging out with a few members of the O-team (orientation team) and the Pro-staff (professional staff).
What a whirlwind! Whew. I haven't decided if I like or dislike the busyness yet. It is what it is, I suppose.
While all of this sounds just fine and dandy, I wouldn't be honest if I said everything is wonderful. My parents and my accountability partner back home have all urged and suggested that I see a counselor. It was brought to my attention, and now I've noticed myself, I have been showing signs of trauma and PTSD. This is in regards to my roommate situation that happened about a month and a half ago. What got me was when I found my roommate on the floor again one night a couple weeks ago, eating food off the floor because she was so drunk, I immediately had a flashback. Even though she wasn't in trouble, I started to get really upset even though I knew she was ok. I saw the event happen all over again, my heart started racing, my head spun, I started sweating and I shook uncontrollably. I felt out of control of my body and it scared me, because everything around me was fine, but I was having this awful reaction. I even feel anxious when they're in the apartment, just hearing their voices or walk around or hearing the door slam. I've been jumpy, easily startled, great difficulty sleeping, a hard time concentrating and just being irritable and angry in general.
I thought these issues would just go away with time. But they have not. And what's worse, they're affecting all the other areas of my life, not just my living situation. It's affecting my school work, social life, close personal relationships and my own personal health. I don't even remember when the last time was I slept all the way through the night. I've had zero energy to do any kind of exercise recently. And I've been taking it out on the people I love the most, which isn't fair to them. So hence, the counselor. I am interested to see how this will change my outlook and coping strategies to get through the rest of this semester. I am very open minded, I've pretty much hit rock bottom here with my sanity. I feel completely broken down. I don't know what else to do. I feel quite numb and disengaged at this point. So I'm open to any suggestions for how to improve.
It's easy to post about the happy stuff in life, not so easy to post about the unhappy stuff. But life comes with both. I'm human, I have struggles, I have issues and I'm not afraid to admit that now. It's difficult to admit at first that I can't do this on my own and I do have a problem I can't fix. My pride got in the way, for sure.
I do have a God that is greater than my problems. I was frustrated for a bit that God wasn't taking this away. God doesn't promise us that He will take our problems away, but that He will be there with us at every moment through them. It's a tough concept. Because if God loves me, and if I love God, why am I living like this? It's something I wrestle with. And I don't think there's an easy answer. But I have no doubt in my mind of God's love for me. Happy, sad, content, angry, PTSD or no PTSD. I can rest in knowing that while I change like the tide, God never changes.
If you're reading this, prayers would be greatly appreciated.
I feel so out of sorts. Sheeeeesh.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)