I'm honestly still in shock. I can't believe it!
I found out Wednesday night. I got a phone call from the Orientation office. They said the application process this year was really competitive and they had so many awesome applicants. They said they really enjoyed getting to know me and were glad I decided to apply. And the decisions they had to make this round were really tough.
Long pause. I thought surely they're going to let me down easy now. At least I gave it a shot.
...And we'd be pleased to offer you a position as an Orientation Peer Adviser!
I don't even remember most of the conversation after that. There was a lot of me exclaiming - Are you serious? For real? Really? Oh my gosh I'm so excited! A few times around.
Then they asked me if I wanted to accept the position.
...ummm... OF COURSE! I've only been going through this application and interview process for two months now! (But I didn't say that, obviously). I readily accepted and I'm an OPA!
An OPA stands for Orientation Peer Adviser. It is a group of diverse undergraduate students that assist first years in their transition to JMU (about 30 people get picked each year). In the JMU world, it's a pretty big deal. It's an awesome opportunity for leadership and service in the JMU community, specifically with orientation. I'll get to be a mentor and role model to incoming first-years, supervise the First Year Orientation Guides, provide direction and support for parents and new students, represent the wonderful JMU and basically depict the life of a JMU student.
I'm not sure how it gets any better! But it does! Along with the job, I get to stay at JMU for most of the summer because I'll be helping with Summer Springboard. It's days during the summer when first-years come to tour campus, sign up for classes, get some great info, and start getting excited about life as a JMU Duke! I'll be one of the first impressions that some students have of JMU, and I consider that an immense privilege. And I'll get to hang out with the first-years all day, take them around campus, talk about life and build relationships. How cool is that?!?
From what I can tell already, I'm going to love it. I didn't even realize how much I wanted this job until they told me I got it. But I REALLY wanted this job. I'll get to enhance my leadership skills, communication and customer service skills and support these awesome incoming first-years.
I'm still friends with my OPA from freshman year, and I remember she helped me so much in my transition. If i can help others half as much as she helped me, I'll consider it a success!
I think I'm still on cloud 9. I never expected this, in all honesty. I applied hopeful, thinking I didn't have anything to lose. After the group interview, I thought there were such interesting and amazing people in the group that I probably wouldn't get an individual interview. When I did, I was pretty shocked. After the individual interview, I thought it could go either way. I knew it was extremely competitive and they had such awesome applicants. The kind of applicants that are like super-students, they're involved in everything at JMU. And that's not really me. I am involved in some organizations, I've done well academically, and I love service. But I'm not spectacular in any way. I'm ordinary and average, I guess. I'm not even sure why they picked me, but I'm sure going to give it my all and pour myself into these first-years to make it the best transition possible for them!
I can't wait to start this new journey and meet the rest of the Orientation team (O-team)!
God has clearly blessed me in this. And He's chosen this for me, because there's no way I could have gotten this on my own. All the praise is His!
Life's an adventure, and God is good.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Darkness and Light
Lord, you are good and Your mercies endure forever. You have been working in me in ways I cannot explain. This is quite a long post. My heart has been somewhat turbulent. I can only try my best to articulate it. The good and the bad.
The darkness. And the Light.
I must be still and listen. I must listen in the darkness and wait for God to send the Light. God will make His plans a reality and His timing is perfect. He will fulfill His Word and I cannot help Him do that. He will do it in His own time. Just because I don't hear anything doesn't mean God doesn't love me. Heck, Abram had to go through 13 years of silence. During which his self-sufficiency was DESTROYED. He grew out of depending on himself and his own common sense. It was a time of discipline. Is this a time of discipline, Lord? I don't have to pretend that my life is filled with joy and confidence. I just have to wait upon You and be grounded in You.
God, I've been realizing that it costs other people, more than me, to follow You. It's a delight if a person is in love with God! But to others who aren't, it's strange. It's kind of weird. And it changes their plans.
My relationships with other people shouldn't be any different than the one's Jesus had. I can try as much as I'd like to bear the cost on my own, but I can't. My decisions affect others. It's inevitable.
I'm prone to this...I'm so prone to this. I say - I will never accept anything from anyone. Or I'll say - I will not cause other people to suffer because of my decisions. But that's NOT obedience. And that breaks Your heart, God. I must refuse to be independent, and that's somewhat humiliating. For an independent, single, career minded young woman with dreams and ambitions...that's kind of hard. I'm too intertwined with people for my obedience to God to not affect them.
I must find comfort in knowing that God will care for those who are affected by my obedience to Him. I just have to obey, and leave the rest to Him.
I get so caught up in the crossfire though. I often try to tell God what I'm going to allow or not allow. I say - I'll obey You if..., I'll obey You as long as ____ doesn't happen.
And I can't do that anymore. I must obey unwaveringly. Unquestioningly. And that's tough.
"And as they led him away, they seized one Simon of Cyrene, who was coming in from the country, and laid on him the cross, to carry it behind Jesus." Luke 23:26
What would it have been like to be Simon? To be seized and have the cross laid on him so that he could bear it after Jesus? Did he know Jesus? Who He really was? Did it matter? He carried it anyway. Do I need all the answers to bear a cross? Or do I just do it. Like Simon. Just obey. I wonder if he had a family? A job? Somewhere else to be? In those moments, did any of that matter? He still obeyed. Was he more afraid of the Roman soldiers, or God? Maybe he didn't even know about God. So what's my excuse?
I have been more and more aware lately of what is controlling my mind. I've been doing this thing called Soul Revolution. It's an app for my phone, and it sends me a Bible verse, or something to ponder and dwell on about God, every hour from 8 a.m. - 10 p.m. If anything, it's showed me how much I ignore God throughout the course of my day. I'll look down at my phone and I have 3 text messages from the past 3 hours, and I didn't think or talk about God at all in those 3 hours. It's been really great for me, and I'd definitely recommend it.
Sometimes I feel fresh. Sometimes I don't. Especially with the mundane tasks. I guess...sometimes I feel stale. Which means something is out of step. When I say - I have to do this thing or that thing or it'll never get done. I continually search my mind for the things that must be done. But I'm getting better at not doing this every day through His grace. Freshness doesn't result from my obedience, it results from His Holy Spirit.
God, I thank You for the great work You are doing in me. And in my friends. I've invited some of my friends to study the book of Luke with me and we're going to start in February! This is in Your hands! My heart was filled with so much joy when they agreed to study with me. I'm so excited to see what will become of this, what God makes of this! God, You are good. And only good things can come from further exploring Your word. I know it. I trust in You, and You have blessed me with a positive response from these girls. You alone lift my spirit! You have great things in store for these girls.
Lord, on the flip side, I praise You for giving me wisdom and discernment with some other friends. You have given me patience and calmness. Friends that are destructive and blatantly walk away from You. I'm so lost and it breaks my heart to see them do this. God, only You can show me how to love these friends, even though they walk away. A love I do not have and I am not capable of having. A love that can only come from You. God I turn to You in hopes that they will turn towards You in time. Remind me that I am no better, and the only reason I have life is because of You. Psalm 9 was good to read for this. You have not forsaken those who seek You.
I have noticed my affection for God's Word growing each day. He gets me alone in so many ways. Suffering. Heartbreak. Temptation. Disappointment. Broken relationships. Only when He gets me alone, speechless, unable to move or say anything. That's when He starts teaching me. Am I there yet? Am I able to be taught by Him yet? I think we grow closer each day.
I'm stubbon and ignorant a lot of times. I pray that God reveals something new in me each day, so that I can be speechless before Him and receive His teachings. It's hard in this day and age to get alone time. But then again, not that hard. I don't make the effort or I'm more concerned with other things. My school work. My friends. My exercising. All those things are dust compared to You. Sometimes, ok more times, I need to stop with the questions I constantly have for God. Quiet my mind. And be alone with God. I have selfish motives...I recognize them within me. I want to be alone with God so that He will teach me and answer all the questions I have raging around in my head. But I must be alone with You to find You. Not answers. Because You are the answer to every question I have. You are enough. The cross is enough.
"Turn to me and be saved, all the ends of the earth! For I am God, and there is no other." Isaiah 45:22.
God, You are quite clear here. You say - Turn to Me. And yet this is so difficult! It's so difficult to concentrate on You. His blessings make this exceedingly difficult sometimes too. Troubles make me look to God, but blessings tend to divert my attention elsewhere. And Jesus addresses this in His sermon on the mount. I must narrow all my interests until my mind, heart, and body are focused on Him. I can't look at other Christians, their lives or how they're acting. That's not salvation. God says - Turn to Me and BE saved. If I concentrate on God, I will always find what I'm looking for. I get distracted and irritable with God. But He continues to say - Turn to Me.
The only clear thing is the way You deal with my soul. I don't understand sorrow and difficulties in other people's lives. I don't know why it is necessary or why it has to happen to them. I don't understand anything. The story a friend shared with me. Her mom died suddenly a week before finals, her grandmother has cancer, her sister has Down's Syndrome, her father cannot work, and she hasn't even taken her finals for her classes from last semester yet. And I thought I had it tough waiting to hear from nursing school.
"Why, O Lord, do you stand far away? Why do You hide yourself in times of trouble?" Psalm 10:1. It's nice to know David felt the same way too. A very long time ago. The same way I do now.
I'm confused. Just like the disciples were. But I'm calm in the confusion, because of Your Holy Spirit. I still do not understand all that You do.
God, Your call is for everyone. But whether I hear it or not depends on the condition of my ears. And what I hear depends on my attitude. God doesn't force anyone or single them out. Isaiah was in the presence of God when he overheard God's call. And Isaiah responded in pure freedom!
"And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?' Then I said, 'Here am I! Send me.'" Isaiah 6:8
God isn't going to force me or come plead with me. It's a quiet, yet passionate insistence.
~Leave your boats. Drop your nets. Come and follow Me.~
And they did! I want to be face to face with God like Isaiah, like the disciples. I want to hear what they heard. And in perfect freedom I want to say - Here am I. Send me.
A lot of times I don't hear God. I admit it. I must be so attuned to God like Isaiah was. God's call dug DEEP into his soul. Most of us can't hear anything but ourselves. We've tuned God out. I am incredibly guilty of this.
My contact with the nature of God will shape my understanding of His call. And the service in my life is what overflows from a life filled with love and devotion. There's no call to that, it becomes an everyday way of life. And it's beautiful.
God is bringing me further and deeper into a right relationship with Him. So that I can understand His call and serve Him out of absolute love.
A lot of times I expect Jesus to quench my thirst. But I should be satisfying Him. I must pour out my life. My total being. Live a life of pure, uncompromising and unrestrained devotion to Him. Only that will be satisfying to Him. And I have to beware of things that compete with my loyalty to Him. Funny enough, the service I do for Him is a competitor. Let me explain, it's easier for me to serve than to completely pour out my life for Him. God calls me to Himself so that I may satisfy Him, not just do things for Him. The only way to satisfy Him is to lay down my life.
My last day on earth was a long time ago. It was then that I buried my old life. It was a death with only one resurrection. I have a oneness with God - to be a witness for Him. He recently revealed this to me at Urbana. And I'm not going to lie, I'm not sure how excited I was about it. I had to die, essentially, to myself. It's my funeral after all. I stopped BEING. I had to agree with God to stop being the striving Christian that I am. That I have been for so long. I avoided this and refused it, so much. I didn't want to go to the cemetery. I had to YIELD. Not strive. I mark Urbana as my last day. The last day I lived. The day I attended my own funeral. That's what He wants. Life with Him is the only way to go.
I must jealously guard my relationship with God. Nothing can come in between. I have to keep my whole life open to Jesus all the time. No pretending. Sometimes I see that I draw my life source from things other than God. Like my friends. My small group. InterVarsity. Exercising. Sleeping. But I can't depend on these things for my freshness and strength. Only God has a never ending supply of life.
This blog is getting a little scary for me. Most of what I'm writing now is coming from my journal. But I don't think I'll regret this. I listened to a TED talk recently that said courage is telling the story of who you are with your whole heart.
Vulnerability is necessary. Not excruciatingly painful, but not wonderful either. It's necessary. My culture tries to numb vulnerability. We are the most in debt, obese, addicted and medicated culture around. But here's the thing...we can't selectively numb our emotions. When we numb the bad, we numb the good too. And that's tragic. We try to make the uncertain certain, perfect our bodies and our children. In doing so, we miss out on the fact that we are all worthy of love and belonging.
The only way to combat this, is to let ourselves be seen. And to love with our whole hearts even if there's no guarantee. Practice gratitude and joy. And believe that we are enough for God. Well, I'm letting myself be seen here. My words make me incredibly vulnerable here. Because they have all come from my heart. It's not all nice and happy times, it's real. It's a struggle. But it's beautiful too, because vulnerability is a beautiful thing. Especially before the Lord.
Side note: I need to not disappear too long, or else a long winded heart spill will ensue yet again.
I've asked myself some hard questions in my absence. Does everything in my life fill God's heart with gladness? Or do I keep complaining because things don't seem to be going my way? I won't be filled with joy if I've forgotten what He treasures. How much kindness have I shown God this week? Has my life been a good reflection on His reputation? Am I filled to overflowing with love for Jesus as I was in the beginning? I'm not so good with long term things. There was a time when I went out of my way for Him. A time when I only cared for Him. Am I so in love with Him that I don't even think about where He might lead me? That's a soul-searching question for me.
God, You remember me. As Hagar said - You are a God who sees. A God who sees me. You still see me as Your bride. I've grown up and matured a little, and I'm still in love with You. You saw me in my youth and drew me close to You, You still draw me closer every day.
You see my darkness and my light.
You wake me up. I look to You. I build my hope on You. No matter how many things seem to be pressing on me or weighing me down. I'm determined to push them aside and look to God. He is a God who saves. A God who sees. A God who sees my darkness and light. A God who loves me in spite of myself.
The darkness. And the Light.
I must be still and listen. I must listen in the darkness and wait for God to send the Light. God will make His plans a reality and His timing is perfect. He will fulfill His Word and I cannot help Him do that. He will do it in His own time. Just because I don't hear anything doesn't mean God doesn't love me. Heck, Abram had to go through 13 years of silence. During which his self-sufficiency was DESTROYED. He grew out of depending on himself and his own common sense. It was a time of discipline. Is this a time of discipline, Lord? I don't have to pretend that my life is filled with joy and confidence. I just have to wait upon You and be grounded in You.
God, I've been realizing that it costs other people, more than me, to follow You. It's a delight if a person is in love with God! But to others who aren't, it's strange. It's kind of weird. And it changes their plans.
My relationships with other people shouldn't be any different than the one's Jesus had. I can try as much as I'd like to bear the cost on my own, but I can't. My decisions affect others. It's inevitable.
I'm prone to this...I'm so prone to this. I say - I will never accept anything from anyone. Or I'll say - I will not cause other people to suffer because of my decisions. But that's NOT obedience. And that breaks Your heart, God. I must refuse to be independent, and that's somewhat humiliating. For an independent, single, career minded young woman with dreams and ambitions...that's kind of hard. I'm too intertwined with people for my obedience to God to not affect them.
I must find comfort in knowing that God will care for those who are affected by my obedience to Him. I just have to obey, and leave the rest to Him.
I get so caught up in the crossfire though. I often try to tell God what I'm going to allow or not allow. I say - I'll obey You if..., I'll obey You as long as ____ doesn't happen.
And I can't do that anymore. I must obey unwaveringly. Unquestioningly. And that's tough.
"And as they led him away, they seized one Simon of Cyrene, who was coming in from the country, and laid on him the cross, to carry it behind Jesus." Luke 23:26
What would it have been like to be Simon? To be seized and have the cross laid on him so that he could bear it after Jesus? Did he know Jesus? Who He really was? Did it matter? He carried it anyway. Do I need all the answers to bear a cross? Or do I just do it. Like Simon. Just obey. I wonder if he had a family? A job? Somewhere else to be? In those moments, did any of that matter? He still obeyed. Was he more afraid of the Roman soldiers, or God? Maybe he didn't even know about God. So what's my excuse?
I have been more and more aware lately of what is controlling my mind. I've been doing this thing called Soul Revolution. It's an app for my phone, and it sends me a Bible verse, or something to ponder and dwell on about God, every hour from 8 a.m. - 10 p.m. If anything, it's showed me how much I ignore God throughout the course of my day. I'll look down at my phone and I have 3 text messages from the past 3 hours, and I didn't think or talk about God at all in those 3 hours. It's been really great for me, and I'd definitely recommend it.
Sometimes I feel fresh. Sometimes I don't. Especially with the mundane tasks. I guess...sometimes I feel stale. Which means something is out of step. When I say - I have to do this thing or that thing or it'll never get done. I continually search my mind for the things that must be done. But I'm getting better at not doing this every day through His grace. Freshness doesn't result from my obedience, it results from His Holy Spirit.
God, I thank You for the great work You are doing in me. And in my friends. I've invited some of my friends to study the book of Luke with me and we're going to start in February! This is in Your hands! My heart was filled with so much joy when they agreed to study with me. I'm so excited to see what will become of this, what God makes of this! God, You are good. And only good things can come from further exploring Your word. I know it. I trust in You, and You have blessed me with a positive response from these girls. You alone lift my spirit! You have great things in store for these girls.
Lord, on the flip side, I praise You for giving me wisdom and discernment with some other friends. You have given me patience and calmness. Friends that are destructive and blatantly walk away from You. I'm so lost and it breaks my heart to see them do this. God, only You can show me how to love these friends, even though they walk away. A love I do not have and I am not capable of having. A love that can only come from You. God I turn to You in hopes that they will turn towards You in time. Remind me that I am no better, and the only reason I have life is because of You. Psalm 9 was good to read for this. You have not forsaken those who seek You.
I have noticed my affection for God's Word growing each day. He gets me alone in so many ways. Suffering. Heartbreak. Temptation. Disappointment. Broken relationships. Only when He gets me alone, speechless, unable to move or say anything. That's when He starts teaching me. Am I there yet? Am I able to be taught by Him yet? I think we grow closer each day.
I'm stubbon and ignorant a lot of times. I pray that God reveals something new in me each day, so that I can be speechless before Him and receive His teachings. It's hard in this day and age to get alone time. But then again, not that hard. I don't make the effort or I'm more concerned with other things. My school work. My friends. My exercising. All those things are dust compared to You. Sometimes, ok more times, I need to stop with the questions I constantly have for God. Quiet my mind. And be alone with God. I have selfish motives...I recognize them within me. I want to be alone with God so that He will teach me and answer all the questions I have raging around in my head. But I must be alone with You to find You. Not answers. Because You are the answer to every question I have. You are enough. The cross is enough.
"Turn to me and be saved, all the ends of the earth! For I am God, and there is no other." Isaiah 45:22.
God, You are quite clear here. You say - Turn to Me. And yet this is so difficult! It's so difficult to concentrate on You. His blessings make this exceedingly difficult sometimes too. Troubles make me look to God, but blessings tend to divert my attention elsewhere. And Jesus addresses this in His sermon on the mount. I must narrow all my interests until my mind, heart, and body are focused on Him. I can't look at other Christians, their lives or how they're acting. That's not salvation. God says - Turn to Me and BE saved. If I concentrate on God, I will always find what I'm looking for. I get distracted and irritable with God. But He continues to say - Turn to Me.
The only clear thing is the way You deal with my soul. I don't understand sorrow and difficulties in other people's lives. I don't know why it is necessary or why it has to happen to them. I don't understand anything. The story a friend shared with me. Her mom died suddenly a week before finals, her grandmother has cancer, her sister has Down's Syndrome, her father cannot work, and she hasn't even taken her finals for her classes from last semester yet. And I thought I had it tough waiting to hear from nursing school.
"Why, O Lord, do you stand far away? Why do You hide yourself in times of trouble?" Psalm 10:1. It's nice to know David felt the same way too. A very long time ago. The same way I do now.
I'm confused. Just like the disciples were. But I'm calm in the confusion, because of Your Holy Spirit. I still do not understand all that You do.
God, Your call is for everyone. But whether I hear it or not depends on the condition of my ears. And what I hear depends on my attitude. God doesn't force anyone or single them out. Isaiah was in the presence of God when he overheard God's call. And Isaiah responded in pure freedom!
"And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?' Then I said, 'Here am I! Send me.'" Isaiah 6:8
God isn't going to force me or come plead with me. It's a quiet, yet passionate insistence.
~Leave your boats. Drop your nets. Come and follow Me.~
And they did! I want to be face to face with God like Isaiah, like the disciples. I want to hear what they heard. And in perfect freedom I want to say - Here am I. Send me.
A lot of times I don't hear God. I admit it. I must be so attuned to God like Isaiah was. God's call dug DEEP into his soul. Most of us can't hear anything but ourselves. We've tuned God out. I am incredibly guilty of this.
My contact with the nature of God will shape my understanding of His call. And the service in my life is what overflows from a life filled with love and devotion. There's no call to that, it becomes an everyday way of life. And it's beautiful.
God is bringing me further and deeper into a right relationship with Him. So that I can understand His call and serve Him out of absolute love.
A lot of times I expect Jesus to quench my thirst. But I should be satisfying Him. I must pour out my life. My total being. Live a life of pure, uncompromising and unrestrained devotion to Him. Only that will be satisfying to Him. And I have to beware of things that compete with my loyalty to Him. Funny enough, the service I do for Him is a competitor. Let me explain, it's easier for me to serve than to completely pour out my life for Him. God calls me to Himself so that I may satisfy Him, not just do things for Him. The only way to satisfy Him is to lay down my life.
My last day on earth was a long time ago. It was then that I buried my old life. It was a death with only one resurrection. I have a oneness with God - to be a witness for Him. He recently revealed this to me at Urbana. And I'm not going to lie, I'm not sure how excited I was about it. I had to die, essentially, to myself. It's my funeral after all. I stopped BEING. I had to agree with God to stop being the striving Christian that I am. That I have been for so long. I avoided this and refused it, so much. I didn't want to go to the cemetery. I had to YIELD. Not strive. I mark Urbana as my last day. The last day I lived. The day I attended my own funeral. That's what He wants. Life with Him is the only way to go.
I must jealously guard my relationship with God. Nothing can come in between. I have to keep my whole life open to Jesus all the time. No pretending. Sometimes I see that I draw my life source from things other than God. Like my friends. My small group. InterVarsity. Exercising. Sleeping. But I can't depend on these things for my freshness and strength. Only God has a never ending supply of life.
This blog is getting a little scary for me. Most of what I'm writing now is coming from my journal. But I don't think I'll regret this. I listened to a TED talk recently that said courage is telling the story of who you are with your whole heart.
Vulnerability is necessary. Not excruciatingly painful, but not wonderful either. It's necessary. My culture tries to numb vulnerability. We are the most in debt, obese, addicted and medicated culture around. But here's the thing...we can't selectively numb our emotions. When we numb the bad, we numb the good too. And that's tragic. We try to make the uncertain certain, perfect our bodies and our children. In doing so, we miss out on the fact that we are all worthy of love and belonging.
The only way to combat this, is to let ourselves be seen. And to love with our whole hearts even if there's no guarantee. Practice gratitude and joy. And believe that we are enough for God. Well, I'm letting myself be seen here. My words make me incredibly vulnerable here. Because they have all come from my heart. It's not all nice and happy times, it's real. It's a struggle. But it's beautiful too, because vulnerability is a beautiful thing. Especially before the Lord.
Side note: I need to not disappear too long, or else a long winded heart spill will ensue yet again.
I've asked myself some hard questions in my absence. Does everything in my life fill God's heart with gladness? Or do I keep complaining because things don't seem to be going my way? I won't be filled with joy if I've forgotten what He treasures. How much kindness have I shown God this week? Has my life been a good reflection on His reputation? Am I filled to overflowing with love for Jesus as I was in the beginning? I'm not so good with long term things. There was a time when I went out of my way for Him. A time when I only cared for Him. Am I so in love with Him that I don't even think about where He might lead me? That's a soul-searching question for me.
God, You remember me. As Hagar said - You are a God who sees. A God who sees me. You still see me as Your bride. I've grown up and matured a little, and I'm still in love with You. You saw me in my youth and drew me close to You, You still draw me closer every day.
You see my darkness and my light.
You wake me up. I look to You. I build my hope on You. No matter how many things seem to be pressing on me or weighing me down. I'm determined to push them aside and look to God. He is a God who saves. A God who sees. A God who sees my darkness and light. A God who loves me in spite of myself.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Thoughts
My morning devotions in My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers have been challenging me in a really great way. This is what's been going on in my thoughts and my heart.
I have a job. I have a task to do. My job as a worker of God is to go where He sends me "...to open their eyes, so that they may turn from darkness to light and from the power of Satan to God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in Me." Acts 26:18
I can't speak for other people, but I think it's true a lot of people are in the same boat. I only took the first step for a while. I was converted. My eyes were open. For a majority of Christians in America, their eyes are open. They've made the first step. At least, I think they're open. I thought mine were. Looking back, I wonder how my eyes were open yet I didn't fall to my knees in complete surrender. Maybe only one eye was open? Anyways...I was converted. I believed in God. I knew what He had done for me.
But then what?
I didn't know.
Be a "Godly" person, whatever that looks like. Confess my sins I guess and try to be nice to people. That's what Christians do, right? I thought so. But being converted isn't the same as being saved. Those who are converted haven't received anything yet. They think they can still do this whole life thing on their own.
I was baptised when I was 10 years old. But I don't think I fully understood the weight of what that meant until I was older. It means I was born again. It meant I had received this precious gift. It meant all my sins are forgiven - past, present and future. It is not based on my decision. No vows. No promises. Not getting up in the morning to pray and read my Bible. That's all well and good. But it's not salvation.
Salvation is receiving a gift from the Almighty God on Jesus' authority. That gift is the forgiveness of sins.
I can look like a Christian all I want on the outside. I can wear a cross necklace, read my Bible, go to Bible study and church all I want. I can make vows and promises to do good things and be a better person. And it means nothing.
Nothing.
If I hadn't received this gift. This gift of salvation. I'd be fooling myself. I'd be completely dead inside without it. When God cleanses all sin, He means ALL sin. Not just the sins I'm aware of, the unconscious ones as well. He knows parts of me that I don't even know I have. I am much more vast and deep than I give myself credit for. And God is much bigger than that. My soul is complex and confusing to me, yet He wipes away all sins, even if I don't know I have them. Because with His Holy Spirit living inside me, I am able to appear blameless. Blameless! Until Jesus returns! Oh how I cannot wait for that day.
I'm only now realizing what living a sanctified life through Christ looks like. Thank the Lord He's finally gotten through to me!
He beckons me to come and die. Sanctification means I deliberately give up my right to myself.
Every. Single. Day.
"Don't wear one on your chest if you don't bear one on your back." -Andy Mineo, Christian rapper
I can imagine, when Jesus entered Jerusalem and the crowds rejoice over Him. He pulls me aside. And points down the road where there's a cross waiting for Him. There's no Hilton hotels or drive-thru Starbucks between here and there. He's going and I'm learning that I must follow. Wherever that may be.
The only thing worth having is life with Him. He wants me to be identified with His death so that I can sacrifice my life to Him. He wants me alive. Alive for Him alone. I try to sacrifice my time and energy for God. But those aren't living things. He wants ME. MY LIFE. Not just certain aspects or areas of it.
It's one thing to have open eyes and receive His priceless gift of salvation. He is faithful! And I have received what He has freely given me! Praise be to Him alone!
...But there is more to the path. And He is leading me down through Jerusalem where the cross awaits. He asks me to deliberately give up myself. To give myself away to Him.
To come.
And die.
And pick up my cross, not just wear one around my neck.
Come and give your lives, He says, lose them even.
"If we can trust God to save us, we can trust Him to lead us." -David Platt
sidenote: Chris Tomlin's new album Burning Lights is really good. I'm not always a huge fan of contemporary Christian music. But I've had it on repeat the last few days.
I have a job. I have a task to do. My job as a worker of God is to go where He sends me "...to open their eyes, so that they may turn from darkness to light and from the power of Satan to God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in Me." Acts 26:18
I can't speak for other people, but I think it's true a lot of people are in the same boat. I only took the first step for a while. I was converted. My eyes were open. For a majority of Christians in America, their eyes are open. They've made the first step. At least, I think they're open. I thought mine were. Looking back, I wonder how my eyes were open yet I didn't fall to my knees in complete surrender. Maybe only one eye was open? Anyways...I was converted. I believed in God. I knew what He had done for me.
But then what?
I didn't know.
Be a "Godly" person, whatever that looks like. Confess my sins I guess and try to be nice to people. That's what Christians do, right? I thought so. But being converted isn't the same as being saved. Those who are converted haven't received anything yet. They think they can still do this whole life thing on their own.
I was baptised when I was 10 years old. But I don't think I fully understood the weight of what that meant until I was older. It means I was born again. It meant I had received this precious gift. It meant all my sins are forgiven - past, present and future. It is not based on my decision. No vows. No promises. Not getting up in the morning to pray and read my Bible. That's all well and good. But it's not salvation.
Salvation is receiving a gift from the Almighty God on Jesus' authority. That gift is the forgiveness of sins.
I can look like a Christian all I want on the outside. I can wear a cross necklace, read my Bible, go to Bible study and church all I want. I can make vows and promises to do good things and be a better person. And it means nothing.
Nothing.
If I hadn't received this gift. This gift of salvation. I'd be fooling myself. I'd be completely dead inside without it. When God cleanses all sin, He means ALL sin. Not just the sins I'm aware of, the unconscious ones as well. He knows parts of me that I don't even know I have. I am much more vast and deep than I give myself credit for. And God is much bigger than that. My soul is complex and confusing to me, yet He wipes away all sins, even if I don't know I have them. Because with His Holy Spirit living inside me, I am able to appear blameless. Blameless! Until Jesus returns! Oh how I cannot wait for that day.
I'm only now realizing what living a sanctified life through Christ looks like. Thank the Lord He's finally gotten through to me!
He beckons me to come and die. Sanctification means I deliberately give up my right to myself.
Every. Single. Day.
"Don't wear one on your chest if you don't bear one on your back." -Andy Mineo, Christian rapper
I can imagine, when Jesus entered Jerusalem and the crowds rejoice over Him. He pulls me aside. And points down the road where there's a cross waiting for Him. There's no Hilton hotels or drive-thru Starbucks between here and there. He's going and I'm learning that I must follow. Wherever that may be.
The only thing worth having is life with Him. He wants me to be identified with His death so that I can sacrifice my life to Him. He wants me alive. Alive for Him alone. I try to sacrifice my time and energy for God. But those aren't living things. He wants ME. MY LIFE. Not just certain aspects or areas of it.
It's one thing to have open eyes and receive His priceless gift of salvation. He is faithful! And I have received what He has freely given me! Praise be to Him alone!
...But there is more to the path. And He is leading me down through Jerusalem where the cross awaits. He asks me to deliberately give up myself. To give myself away to Him.
To come.
And die.
And pick up my cross, not just wear one around my neck.
Come and give your lives, He says, lose them even.
"If we can trust God to save us, we can trust Him to lead us." -David Platt
sidenote: Chris Tomlin's new album Burning Lights is really good. I'm not always a huge fan of contemporary Christian music. But I've had it on repeat the last few days.
Monday, January 7, 2013
New Beginnings and Irrational Fears
A lot is changing. And when I say a lot, I mean... A LOT.
It's a new semester. New classes. New professors. New demands. New obstacles. Lots of new and lots of change.
A New Year.
New and change are some things I don't always handle very well. But this year it's different. I'm trying to take them in stride and offer up my anxiety and worry to God. Easier said than done.
But I'm doing some really cool and exciting things!
I had coffee with a dear friend before I came back to school and we agreed to read through the Bible this year together! Long distance style! It will keep us accountable and we can Skype to talk about what we're reading.
When I asked her if she really wanted to take this on, she said....no, not really, but I will. And only good can come from it.
She also made a really good point that this means she can't fail in private anymore. And I realized I feel exactly the same way. And it's scary. It's scary to fail in front of other people. And I'm getting to a point in my life where that's going to happen more and more. Even writing on this blog that I'm going to try to read the Bible this year, putting that out here, knowing I might not perfectly live up to it. It's scary. Because I will fail. It is inevitable. And I'm doing more things now that I can't sit in a corner afterwards and just pretend it didn't happen. It's in front of a lot of people.
I'm waiting to hear back from nursing school. I'm going through the process of applying for a summer job. I'm diving into reading the Bible this year. I'm taking classes that require a lot of group work and effort.
I have an irrational fear of failure. Plain and simple. Especially in front of other people.
All of this was constantly going through my mind. Until I was doing my morning devotion today in My Utmost For His Highest. It was about having an intimate relationship with Jesus.
"Jesus said to him, 'Have I been with you so long, and yet you have not known Me?'" John 14:9
That hit pretty hard this morning. He really has been with me for so long, yet I still don't know Him. Sure, I know who He is, what He has done for me, how He has saved my life. But do I really know Him?
No. I don't. And I don't think I ever fully will. I don't think anyone fully knows the Son except the Father, and no one fully knows the Father except the Son. But come on, I haven't even made that much of an effort. I haven't been truly intimate with Him.
Reading the Bible this year isn't about succeeding or failing. Privately or publicly. It's about becoming more intimate with Christ. Knowing Him in a deeper, more intimate way. And that's how all aspects and areas of my life should be. Everything I say and do and think should be an effort to increase my intimacy with Christ. So that I can decrease as He increases. It's a work in progress with me, I'm just thankful He's so patient. And I'm loving getting to know Him more and more every day.
I was worried with starting classes this week that I would get too busy. That I wouldn't have time to spend a lot of time in the Word. But I did! I made time! I don't have any better use for my time, in fact. I have spent time in His Word in the morning and the evening, and I keep wanting more and more. I'm letting myself get caught up in it and I love it!
Genesis has been reminding me of His greatness. His faithfulness. And how small I make God sometimes. A lot of the time. But He is mighty! Matthew has been reminding me of His greatness and faithfulness in a much different way. God sent His son. He saved us. And Genesis takes me back to the very sole reason I need to be saved. Because when left to my own devices, I will choose to defy the One who gave His everything. I will choose sin. It is within me. It is so clear that it is within me. In what I say and what I do and what I think. I constantly struggle. Man was created so high at first and fell so far. So low. The Son chose to come low to us so that we can be redeemed. And He is lifted high. And makes us blameless in His sight.
It's beautiful.
It's like I'm reading it for the first time all over again.
Like a new beginning.
It's a new semester. New classes. New professors. New demands. New obstacles. Lots of new and lots of change.
A New Year.
New and change are some things I don't always handle very well. But this year it's different. I'm trying to take them in stride and offer up my anxiety and worry to God. Easier said than done.
But I'm doing some really cool and exciting things!
I had coffee with a dear friend before I came back to school and we agreed to read through the Bible this year together! Long distance style! It will keep us accountable and we can Skype to talk about what we're reading.
When I asked her if she really wanted to take this on, she said....no, not really, but I will. And only good can come from it.
She also made a really good point that this means she can't fail in private anymore. And I realized I feel exactly the same way. And it's scary. It's scary to fail in front of other people. And I'm getting to a point in my life where that's going to happen more and more. Even writing on this blog that I'm going to try to read the Bible this year, putting that out here, knowing I might not perfectly live up to it. It's scary. Because I will fail. It is inevitable. And I'm doing more things now that I can't sit in a corner afterwards and just pretend it didn't happen. It's in front of a lot of people.
I'm waiting to hear back from nursing school. I'm going through the process of applying for a summer job. I'm diving into reading the Bible this year. I'm taking classes that require a lot of group work and effort.
I have an irrational fear of failure. Plain and simple. Especially in front of other people.
All of this was constantly going through my mind. Until I was doing my morning devotion today in My Utmost For His Highest. It was about having an intimate relationship with Jesus.
"Jesus said to him, 'Have I been with you so long, and yet you have not known Me?'" John 14:9
That hit pretty hard this morning. He really has been with me for so long, yet I still don't know Him. Sure, I know who He is, what He has done for me, how He has saved my life. But do I really know Him?
No. I don't. And I don't think I ever fully will. I don't think anyone fully knows the Son except the Father, and no one fully knows the Father except the Son. But come on, I haven't even made that much of an effort. I haven't been truly intimate with Him.
Reading the Bible this year isn't about succeeding or failing. Privately or publicly. It's about becoming more intimate with Christ. Knowing Him in a deeper, more intimate way. And that's how all aspects and areas of my life should be. Everything I say and do and think should be an effort to increase my intimacy with Christ. So that I can decrease as He increases. It's a work in progress with me, I'm just thankful He's so patient. And I'm loving getting to know Him more and more every day.
I was worried with starting classes this week that I would get too busy. That I wouldn't have time to spend a lot of time in the Word. But I did! I made time! I don't have any better use for my time, in fact. I have spent time in His Word in the morning and the evening, and I keep wanting more and more. I'm letting myself get caught up in it and I love it!
Genesis has been reminding me of His greatness. His faithfulness. And how small I make God sometimes. A lot of the time. But He is mighty! Matthew has been reminding me of His greatness and faithfulness in a much different way. God sent His son. He saved us. And Genesis takes me back to the very sole reason I need to be saved. Because when left to my own devices, I will choose to defy the One who gave His everything. I will choose sin. It is within me. It is so clear that it is within me. In what I say and what I do and what I think. I constantly struggle. Man was created so high at first and fell so far. So low. The Son chose to come low to us so that we can be redeemed. And He is lifted high. And makes us blameless in His sight.
It's beautiful.
It's like I'm reading it for the first time all over again.
Like a new beginning.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
The Garbage Collector
This post (and probably the few following posts) are about Urbana. A student missions conference held in St. Louis every 3 years.
Some of the following are excerpts directly from my journal, and that's kind of scary for me. To put that out here. But it's real, and raw, and what I was going through.
Here is God's impact on my life and how my life has changed forever.
As I sat and looked around the dome the last night of Urbana, these were my thoughts.
Is this what Heaven is like?
Will we take communion with all different cultures, races and ethnicities?
Will we all pray together like this?
Will we all praise God in different languages like this?
Because this is beautiful.
That night we did North American style worship and service. We did a litany, Lord's prayer, Apostles Creed, etc. It felt like being home so far away from home. After being exposed to all different kinds of cultures, worship styles, and languages all week, it was nice to be reminded of my own.
We brought in the New Year singing Yeshu Tera Naam Sabse Uncha Hai - from Mumbai, India. It means - Jesus Your Name is Higher than any other. Here's a link to the song:
I found myself thinking...where was I one year ago tonight? I was sitting at home. Watching the ball drop in Times Square. Kind of bored. Tired.
But now.
This year.
Look at the work God has done in me in one year! I am at a missions conference in St. Louis! I am re-energized and filled with an unquenchable fire for Christ!
I wrestled. I wrestled a lot with God over that week. It was difficult for me to write this down. It's strange even for me to type it out now. But I am going to be a missionary. I am a missionary. In all aspects of my life. Locally right now. And overseas one day.
Last year I was empty, and tired in both body and spirit. This year, I am only empty, drained and tired in my physical body. I am fully alive and on fire for Christ! For His global mission! I want to be part of it! I am part of it!
Looking back, God has brought me so far. I have NO reason to doubt Him. Look already, I've gone to New Orleans and St. Louis. I've survived and I've thrived because of Him. I know He sent me to those places. To be here. Right now. For a reason. And the reason is to seek and save the lost.
Everywhere.
God, I am Yours.
And some people may not know it yet, but they are Yours too.
So why not get to know them?
We all belong together anyway.
God has been working on me for a really long time now. Maybe even since I was young and did not know it. And I ran away. And I made my own plans. My own dreams. My own desires. Go to nursing school, graduate top of my class, work at a top teaching hospital in the U.S., maybe Georgetown, and make enough money to support myself. Live in a little apartment, maybe have a cat, live a comfortable life. These dreams may seem small, but I had them nonetheless. I didn't think they were selfish dreams either. They were service oriented. I want to be a nurse. I want to help people. Help to heal people. Walk with them in their trials and troubles. I don't want to be a nurse because of money or job security. I thought that was good. I could do what I wanted to do and serve God too. Kind of like a side thing.
It's not like I was being selfish here, right? It's not like I am trying to make a ton of money. I thought these were good things, good ideas, and good plans.
Over the past few days...God has been pointing his finger directly at me. Backing me into a corner. As if saying...
THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I ALONE AM GOOD. AND I ALONE DO GOOD THINGS. AND I HAVE SOMETHING BETTER FOR YOU.
And that's what the back of my Urbana t-shirt says. It says - You Were Made For Something Great.
That's not to say I will be great. That's not to say that I will do great things. God alone is great. He alone is doing great things. And He wants me to be part of it. He has invited me. And I've accepted! I'm going to the party! And it's awesome, exciting, scary and confusing! It's so many things. It is good.
I had to ask myself a really hard question this week.
Do I believe that what God has for me is good?
I've doubted, feared and ran away. And I laid those things at the foot of the cross. I believe that what God has for me is GOOD. Not easy. Not comfortable. Not happy times. No smooth sailing through life. But good. Great even!
"All that your heart desires, all that you deeply pursue, are found in the heart of the Father." -Ram Sridharan, one of the incredible speakers that week.
I encountered Jesus this week in new and exciting ways. Throughout multilingual worship, fellowship with His people from all different cultures and prayer. A prayer meeting in particular.
The prayer minister told us to close our eyes the entire time. We were sitting in a circle. She said to envision a cross sitting in the middle of the circle. And try to keep our gaze fixed upon that. In the prayer, the minister led us through a series of things that keep us from Jesus. And then asked us to lay them at the foot of the cross. Lies we believed. Fear we had. Insecurities. Lack of trust. For example, she said that if anyone ever told us we weren't good enough, that was a lie, and to lay it at the foot of the cross. All the girls in my group had a different experience with this, including myself. And many were in tears. We went around and shared what we saw. I'll only share mine for confidentiality, but it was just as powerful as everyone else's experience.
When I was asked to lay down those things at the foot of the cross, I saw garbage. Each thing was like a black bag of nasty, smelly, gross garbage. And I was just holding it. And I hadn't realized I was holding it. And when I finally realized I was holding this filth, I thought - Ewww.
So theological right?
Ewww. What am I doing? Why am I holding all this nasty stuff so close to me?
And it was so heavy. I was getting so tired from holding it. And there Jesus was standing, arms open, as if saying - Go ahead, toss it over here.
And I was reluctant. I thought - No, Jesus. This isn't your trash. It's mine. I should be the one to take care of it.
And He just smiled at me. He lifted one eyebrow playfully as if to say - You really think you can keep carrying that around? It's pretty dirty you know...
Like He knew how heavy my arms were, and how much I dislike smelling bad. I'm the type of person that likes to take a shower every day because I like to feel clean.
He said again - Go ahead, toss it over here.
I knew He was right. So I tossed it over to Him. And He caught it with ease. And put it at the foot of the cross for me. And we kept this assembly line going for a few more bags. Until there was a huge, nasty, gross, smelly pile of garbage at the foot of the cross.
All mine.
I looked at Jesus and I just said - I'm so sorry, Jesus. I've turned Your cross into a garbage dump. I'm so, so sorry.
And he smiled again as if saying - Just you wait.
The next thing I was not expecting at all. He lit it on fire. All of it. All of the garbage was on fire. Burning. Wasting away. And these GREAT flames encircled the cross. It was a sight, I could barely tear my eyes away from it. And I looked for Jesus because I wanted to thank Him.
I didn't see Him at first, but then I did. He was down with the flames! But He was not consumed by them, they literally could not consume Him. And here's the great part. He was dancing in them. He was dancing in the flames, around them, with them, in pure joy. He was having a party down there! Jesus was having a dance party while the garbage was burning! Like nothing else brought Him greater joy in that moment!
I watched Him, and I wanted to join Him! I wanted to dance in the flames with Him and feel that joy too! And He reached out His hand, and there was a dark hole in it, right in the middle where it looked like blood had dried.
And then we said Amen.
And I opened my eyes.
Oh it gets better! I was reading through my notes from over the week. And the first full day at Urbana, I wrote down a phrase. God was working on this in me since the very first day at Urbana. Wow. I didn't even realize this connection until the plane ride home. The phrase I wrote down was...
Jesus is the Garbage Collector.
Jesus doesn't say to come and be baptised, sit in one place and be nice to people and do nice things for them. That's all well and good. But he doesn't say to do that.
Jesus says, come and be baptised, give me all of your garbage you've been carrying around, and GO be a witness. Make disciples and PROCLAIM my name to the ends of the earth. This is our COMMAND, and we are all CALLED to carry this out in different ways.
I don't know how, when or where. But that's exactly what I'm going to do. That's why I'm so confused. And that's why I'm so confident. I'm confused and unsure of what comes next in my life. But I've never been more confident that I am His and I have a task to do. To seek and save the lost. We, I, don't have time to waste coasting in comfortable Christianity.
"Do we really think we have better things to do with our time or our life than what is great on the heart of God?" I don't remember who said that. But it really convicted me.
I've never had so much to consider or such a heavy weight upon my heart in all 19 years of my life.
If you're reading this for the first time, and you don't know Jesus and want to know Him, I pray that you do.
Don't waste any more time like I did.
Let Jesus collect all of your garbage. Your doubts. Your fears. Your sins. So He can burn them. He took all of our garbage on Himself. He allowed Himself to be crushed by it. AND DEATH COULD NOT HOLD HIM. And He forgives us. And not only does He forgive us, He remembers our sins no more. And not only does He remember our sins no more, He invites us to FEAST with Him. You only have to accept the invitation. He has invited me! And I must be there! It is an ALL or nothing-at-all invitation! SAY YES! Say yes to our Lord and Savior, Maker of Heaven and Earth and PROCLAIM His Holy name! Dance in the flames with Him!
Say YES to the Garbage Collector
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