A lot is changing. And when I say a lot, I mean... A LOT.
It's a new semester. New classes. New professors. New demands. New obstacles. Lots of new and lots of change.
A New Year.
New and change are some things I don't always handle very well. But this year it's different. I'm trying to take them in stride and offer up my anxiety and worry to God. Easier said than done.
But I'm doing some really cool and exciting things!
I had coffee with a dear friend before I came back to school and we agreed to read through the Bible this year together! Long distance style! It will keep us accountable and we can Skype to talk about what we're reading.
When I asked her if she really wanted to take this on, she said....no, not really, but I will. And only good can come from it.
She also made a really good point that this means she can't fail in private anymore. And I realized I feel exactly the same way. And it's scary. It's scary to fail in front of other people. And I'm getting to a point in my life where that's going to happen more and more. Even writing on this blog that I'm going to try to read the Bible this year, putting that out here, knowing I might not perfectly live up to it. It's scary. Because I will fail. It is inevitable. And I'm doing more things now that I can't sit in a corner afterwards and just pretend it didn't happen. It's in front of a lot of people.
I'm waiting to hear back from nursing school. I'm going through the process of applying for a summer job. I'm diving into reading the Bible this year. I'm taking classes that require a lot of group work and effort.
I have an irrational fear of failure. Plain and simple. Especially in front of other people.
All of this was constantly going through my mind. Until I was doing my morning devotion today in My Utmost For His Highest. It was about having an intimate relationship with Jesus.
"Jesus said to him, 'Have I been with you so long, and yet you have not known Me?'" John 14:9
That hit pretty hard this morning. He really has been with me for so long, yet I still don't know Him. Sure, I know who He is, what He has done for me, how He has saved my life. But do I really know Him?
No. I don't. And I don't think I ever fully will. I don't think anyone fully knows the Son except the Father, and no one fully knows the Father except the Son. But come on, I haven't even made that much of an effort. I haven't been truly intimate with Him.
Reading the Bible this year isn't about succeeding or failing. Privately or publicly. It's about becoming more intimate with Christ. Knowing Him in a deeper, more intimate way. And that's how all aspects and areas of my life should be. Everything I say and do and think should be an effort to increase my intimacy with Christ. So that I can decrease as He increases. It's a work in progress with me, I'm just thankful He's so patient. And I'm loving getting to know Him more and more every day.
I was worried with starting classes this week that I would get too busy. That I wouldn't have time to spend a lot of time in the Word. But I did! I made time! I don't have any better use for my time, in fact. I have spent time in His Word in the morning and the evening, and I keep wanting more and more. I'm letting myself get caught up in it and I love it!
Genesis has been reminding me of His greatness. His faithfulness. And how small I make God sometimes. A lot of the time. But He is mighty! Matthew has been reminding me of His greatness and faithfulness in a much different way. God sent His son. He saved us. And Genesis takes me back to the very sole reason I need to be saved. Because when left to my own devices, I will choose to defy the One who gave His everything. I will choose sin. It is within me. It is so clear that it is within me. In what I say and what I do and what I think. I constantly struggle. Man was created so high at first and fell so far. So low. The Son chose to come low to us so that we can be redeemed. And He is lifted high. And makes us blameless in His sight.
It's beautiful.
It's like I'm reading it for the first time all over again.
Like a new beginning.
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