Merry Christmas!
It's weird to say (or type). It's also weird that it's practically over. It was a good Christmas. And I hope it's ok to be a little glad it's over. I'm ready for what's next. I'm not as sad as I usually am that the season is over. It's a relief this year.
I'm leaving for Urbana in less than two days. IT'S CRAZY! Time flew by and now it's here. I'm actually going. Urbana is a student mission's conference held once every 3 years, and this year it's in St. Louis. I'm going as part of JMU InterVarsity. I don't really know anyone else going, except for a select few, but I think I prefer it that way. It worked pretty well for New Orleans, so I'm hoping it will be ok for St. Louis too.
I love that I'm doing this. I love that I'm devoting the 5 days before the New Year completely to God. To learn. To be filled. To discern. To challenge myself. To do something reckless. To bring in the New Year worshiping God with 20,000 other passionate people.
I'm doing something that I feel called to do. And something that I want to do, which is always a plus. Sometimes I feel called to do things I don't really want to do, but this isn't one of those things. Maybe it's a little gift from God. But this conference is something I've really looked forward to. Something not school related. Something that I'm extremely interested in. And something I could potentially be doing the rest of my life, if God wills it. Missions. I love 'em.
This break has been a challenge. It has stretched and wrung out my heart a few times. A few times more than I liked. Two funerals, Sandy Hook, Whiskers, my neighbors dog Roxanne, nursing home visits, my grandparents spending Christmas in the hospital in Iowa, the list goes on. So much sorrow. Loss. Pain.
I feel torn. I know I'm incredibly blessed beyond measure. I have food, clothes, a roof over my head, two parents that love me. But my heart continued to hurt despite all the blessings in my life. For a good few days. Pretty much up until Christmas Eve.
Christmas Eve. It's a busy night for us. We usually go to my dad's church service at 7 and then I sing in the choir at my church at 10 for the candlelight service. But I love it. Both services were filled with carols and readings and great messages. But what gets me every time, is the candlelight. Each service ends with lighting the candles and singing Silent Night.
And it's beautiful. And I get to have both perspectives. At dad's service, I'm a member of the congregation. At my church, I get to look out at the congregation from the choir loft. Now that's a sight to behold. I'm not sure how to describe it really. To see hundreds of candles in the air before you. It looks like they're floating. Like they go on forever.
And singing...silent night, holy night. All is calm.
It truly is calm. In those moments. Once a year. It takes my breath away. I think everyone should join the choir just so that they can see what I see on Christmas Eve at 11:00 p.m.
And I forget that a few short hours earlier I was rushing around trying to get ready. Trying to wrap presents at the last minute. Not knowing what I was going to wear. It didn't matter. Because for those moments, the busyness stops. And it's a silent night.
It doesn't last long. Soon everyone is scurrying around trying to find their family. And soon we're back to getting annoyed at each other over something. Such is life. I only get a few of those moments, and I truly cherish them. But it lifted my spirits. Enough to enjoy Christmas, that is. I loved all the gifts I got, and I loved watching my parents open their gifts even more. Being away at school gave me the chance to pick some things up from the JMU bookstore to surprise them with. Which was fun for me. I think they liked them too. It was a good relaxing day. We watched Shadowlands and The Dark Knight Rises. Both excellent films.
And now it's over. I'm neither happy nor sad. Just contented. It is what it is. This Christmas wasn't during the best time, circumstances or events. But it still happened. It came anyway, even when I didn't want it. But that's life. And I got to spend it with my parents. I couldn't ask for anything else better.
Now my to-do list is a mile long and it's making me somewhat anxious. Tomorrow will be pretty busy trying to pack and get everything ready to leave for Thursday. I'm usually a great traveler, but it makes me a little uneasy to fly to St. Louis and figure out how to get to the hotel and check in and get to the conference by myself. And I've never been to this city before. I know I'll meet up with people once I get there, but the process of not knowing how I'll exactly get there can make me nervous.
And how funny is that, because that's how life works. I know it'll all turn out ok in the end, I'm just not sure about the details. And how great is it that I've never been to St. Louis before, and in life I never really know what to expect ...ok I'm just trying to say positive things hoping that I can make myself believe them. Trying to calm down my nerves.
I'm actually so in awe of God right now. At this time in my life. I heard about Urbana at a large group one Friday night. I'm not sure what it was, but I was drawn to it. I felt like I should be there. I really wanted to be there. I wasn't sure why or exactly how, but I think God wanted me to go. And then I saw the price tag. It's not a cheap trip. The cost of the conference, travel, food, hotel etc. I didn't have that kind of money lying around. But still, I felt this tug on my heart. Pushing me. So I signed up for the conference and paid the small deposit. Not knowing how exactly I was going to pay for the rest of it. And what do you know, God has provided every last penny for this trip. From church donations, family and friends, and Christmas money. He has completely covered me. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong, but if that's not a sign I'm supposed to go, I don't know what is.
~God, please calm my anxious heart. Let me be anxious about nothing. Let me turn my eyes and my heart to You. Especially these next few days leading up to 2013. Let me hear Your voice and make clear to me what I should do or need to be doing this next year. You have provided everything for me. You've gotten me this far, I know you can get me to the conference itself. There's no need for me to worry. You have this handled. I trust You. And please forgive me for not doing that enough. In the busyness, I don't want to lose sight of You. The whole reason I'm doing this. I love you so much God. Thank you for giving me life through Your Son. Happy Birthday to Him, to You! Let my life be a gift to You, it's the most valuable thing I have. And it's Yours. All Yours.~
Silent Night (Lord Of My Life) by Lady Antebellum
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