My Heart Hurts

Plain and simple. I don't really know how else to describe it. My heart just...hurts. It aches. It's been pulled around and dragged through a lot recently. And this time of year doesn't make it any easier.

I found out this week one of my mom's patients died. They thought she would have a few more months, but she only had a few more days. Also, a family friend's mother died this week. And the Newtown tragedy happened on Friday. 27 lives were taken, 20 of them elementary school aged children. 

Two funerals within two days. News channels that keep showing the faces of those angel children. It's heavy. Very heavy. And I can't pretend it's easy, because it's not. It's heartbreaking. It's not fair. I'm trying not to be angry. Frustrated. Bitter. That's easy.  Giving it over to God is hard.

I came home so excited for Christmas. I was excited to decorate, do the traditional things, go see the lights, get the tree etc. But the past few days have been tough. I haven't wanted any of it. I haven't even wanted to look at decorations, let alone put them up.   

Saturday morning I had choir rehearsal bright and early. It was for our Lessons & Carols service. We sing about 12 songs to portray the story of Jesus along with readers to tell the story each year. And we're joined by members of the Virginia Symphony Orchestra, which is always incredible. I've been part of this special service since high school when I joined the choir and I usually look forward to it each year. 

I'm not going to lie, I was only about halfway excited. I wanted to sing, but I wasn't as excited as I normally am. 

How was I supposed to be happy and joyous while singing when so much sorrow and despair is going on?

After a long, but good rehearsal our music director, Ms. Billye, held the choir back for a bit after the orchestra had left. She told us that we have a special opportunity. She told us that we are the sermon. She said that it was up to us to bring joy to people in the congregation who maybe desperately need it right now. We have this opportunity, and we're going to use it.

Wow. It's up to me? I'm supposed to bring joy to people, even when I'm hurting so much inside? How am I supposed to do that? 

I laid in bed Saturday night trying to sleep. And I couldn't. So I asked God to bring me peace. To bring me strength. And to bring me joy. Because I didn't have any. And I started to cry until I fell asleep. I felt so out of control.

I know there were a few times during the services I wanted to cry. And I know there were a few members of the choir that didn't get through the services without crying. But we sang. We sang with everything we had, at least I know I did. Because the congregation deserved that. They deserved a service full of beautiful music to lift them up. And how beautiful was it that this was the "year of youth"? We had all youth readers, along with the youth minister, and a large youth ensemble that sang with the choir. In light of Friday's tragedy, I think it gave people hope to see the youth so involved in the service.

And somehow, God gave me joy for those services. When I was singing, I noticed I was genuinely happy. And I wanted to smile. And there's no way that happened on my own. Because if I had it my way, I'd still be laying in bed under the covers trying to forget about everything going on in the world. 

Because that's what I do. I try to avoid things. Especially things that hurt. But God didn't let me do that this time. He didn't let me hide, like I wanted to. And I can't thank Him enough for not giving me what I wanted. Because to see the faces of my fellow choir members, youth ensemble, music director, organist and congregation... I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I sang for over 1,200 people today. And if one person left feeling just a little bit better about their life and whatever is going on in their life, then I am more than blessed to be a small part of that.

Music truly is an incredible balm for the soul. I know it soothes me when I need it most. Especially after the tragic events of this week. I was listening to the Josh Groban Christmas CD while decorating the tree today. This song in particular stood out to me, and what I've been feeling the past few days. It's not really a Christmas song, it's just a good life song. It helped me put things in perspective.  
Thankful by Josh Groban
The whole song has beautiful lyrics. I'm in love with it. The chorus really stood out to me. It says:
~So tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see.
It's up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There's so much to be thankful for~

There's so much pain. So much sorrow. And as much as I want to curl up in a ball and pretend it's not happening, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to be thankful. At least I'm going to try. And I know it's going to be really hard. And I'm going to make mistakes. And I know I'm going to say things I don't mean, accidentally lash out, get frustrated. But I'm counting on Him and His grace to get me through. And I hope I can still have a good Christmas. 

I think a part of me feels guilty. I feel guilty for trying to have a good Christmas. There's so many people and families out there who won't. The ones who have a family member or friend deployed overseas. The families going through a divorce or separation. Families who have lost a mother, father, husband, wife, child, sister, brother. The kids who went to school one day. The parents who kissed them goodbye. They didn't know it would be the last time. They don't deserve this. Who am I to have a good Christmas? How can I? Will those families be able to? I don't know how. If they can, they are much stronger people that I am. My heart is completely broken for them.

I'm not saying I'm not thankful. I'm thankful for my life. For the people in it. It's just hard. I'm trying to focus on the good more than the bad. And hopefully with time it will get easier...I can only hope. I know the children lost at Sandy Hook Elementary School will be having the best Christmas of all because they get to spend it with Jesus.

To end, I came across the poem Christmas Bells by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. It kind of took me by surprise. I've always liked Longfellow, but I think I like him even more now. It's also a song, apparently. I learn something new every day! Here's my favorite part:

"And in despair I bowed my head;
'There is no peace on earth,' I said;
'For hate is strong,
And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!' 

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
'God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The Wrong shall fail,
The Right prevail,
With peace on earth, good-will to men.'"

What a comfort to know that even in 1864, Longfellow doubted peace on earth just as I have 148 years later. And yet, what a comfort that he knew God will prevail over all the evil then, just as He will now. Shame on me for forgetting that. 

Even though my heart hurts, it's in His hands. And I know He'll take good care of it.

~With peace on earth, good-will to men~