I Love You Whiskers

This is the hardest blog I've had to write yet.

I lost my sweet baby girl today. My head hurts. My heart hurts. And my eyes hurt from crying. Everything hurts.

Why is this happening right now? Why at this time of year? Why with everything else going on?

All questions I don't have answers to. And I probably never will. 

She went in for surgery this morning. She hadn't been eating or acting herself at all. The vet found cancer all throughout her body. They said it was better to just not wake her up. It would only cause her pain and there was no way to treat it. She probably would have never recovered from the surgery. 

She drifted off painlessly, peacefully and in dream land. That's what I wanted for her. I'd never want her to be in pain. I completely trust the vet's judgment and I know they did what was right. I'm just being selfish, wanting to spend more time with her. 

I still remember bringing her home when I was 5 years old. She was the cutest thing that could be. 

  And she had the sweetest, prettiest face I'd ever seen.

I remember I named her Whiskers because whenever she would get really close to my face, her whiskers tickled. She was such a lover, always so sociable and loved being around people. Whenever she'd snuggle on the couch or in my bed with me, she always had the be right in the middle. Wanting to be the center of attention. My little princess. 

It never took her too long to make herself comfortable. I loved that about her. She'd just plop down anywhere.

We had 14 years together. It's hard to believe. It went by so fast. 

She's been there with me through everything. As I was growing up, she was growing older. After a long or trying day, she was home to welcome me. And when I felt like everything was going horribly, I came home to her unconditional love. 

She's always been so helpful with my studies and schoolwork. I really can't appreciate it enough haha. But when she wanted attention, she wanted attention. Quite the little diva. I loved it.

She's just so pretty.

Losing a pet is so difficult. But losing Whiskers didn't feel like losing a pet. It felt like losing a friend. A best friend. She was part of the family. A true gem. My baby girl.

It almost broke my heart freshman year at JMU to leave her behind at home. Maybe this is silly, but I really felt worse about leaving her home than about leaving my parents. My parents understand. They know I have to go to college. She didn't. All she knew is one day I was there, and the next I wasn't. I wish I could've spent more time with her the past two years. It's just too hard being away at school all the time. But I know my parents gave her the extra loving that I couldn't. And I can't thank them enough for that. 

 It's a grieving process. I'm fine one minute, and the next minute I'm in tears. It comes and it goes. And I'm still trying to get used to not seeing her. I keep expecting to see her standing in my doorway or curled up at the foot of my bed. I've already caught myself a few times thinking I hear her.  Her soft feet on the stairs.

And that's what hurts the most. The split second of forgetting. Then remembering.  

This is how I found her one day this week when I came home. Curled up snug as a bug on my bed. This was so typical. She was so sweet and peaceful. And that's how I'll remember her. She doesn't have cancer now. And she's not in pain now. 

 I took this picture last night. The night before her surgery. I'm not sure why, but I felt like I should finish decorating the tree last night. It's been a struggle to get decorating done this year with everything going on. But I came home and I felt like I should decorate. So I did. I finished the tree (with her help supervising of course) and she got to see it for at least one night. She's always loved the tree. Laying under it and playing with the ornaments. I'm glad she could see it for a short time this year. 

It's going to be a blue Christmas this year. Two funerals within two days. The Sandy Hook Elementary School tragedy. And now my Whiskers.
 
God, I don't know what you're doing. But whatever it is, it really hurts.