Darkness and Light

Lord, you are good and Your mercies endure forever. You have been working in me in ways I cannot explain. This is quite a long post. My heart has been somewhat turbulent. I can only try my best to articulate it. The good and the bad.

The darkness. And the Light.

I must be still and listen. I must listen in the darkness and wait for God to send the Light. God will make His plans a reality and His timing is perfect. He will fulfill His Word and I cannot help Him do that. He will do it in His own time. Just because I don't hear anything doesn't mean God doesn't love me. Heck, Abram had to go through 13 years of silence. During which his self-sufficiency was DESTROYED. He grew out of depending on himself and his own common sense. It was a time of discipline. Is this a time of discipline, Lord? I don't have to pretend that my life is filled with joy and confidence. I just have to wait upon You and be grounded in You.

God, I've been realizing that it costs other people, more than me, to follow You.  It's a delight if a person is in love with God! But to others who aren't, it's strange. It's kind of weird.  And it changes their plans.
My relationships with other people shouldn't be any different than the one's Jesus had.  I can try as much as I'd like to bear the cost on my own, but I can't.  My decisions affect others. It's inevitable.  

I'm prone to this...I'm so prone to this.  I say - I will never accept anything from anyone.  Or I'll say - I will not cause other people to suffer because of my decisions.  But that's NOT obedience.  And that breaks Your heart, God.  I must refuse to be independent, and that's somewhat humiliating.  For an independent, single, career minded young woman with dreams and ambitions...that's kind of hard.  I'm too intertwined with people for my obedience to God to not affect them.

I must find comfort in knowing that God will care for those who are affected by my obedience to Him.  I just have to obey, and leave the rest to Him.
I get so caught up in the crossfire though.  I often try to tell God what I'm going to allow or not allow.  I say - I'll obey You if..., I'll obey You as long as ____ doesn't happen.  
And I can't do that anymore.  I must obey unwaveringly. Unquestioningly.  And that's tough. 

"And as they led him away, they seized one Simon of Cyrene, who was coming in from the country, and laid on him the cross, to carry it behind Jesus." Luke 23:26  

What would it have been like to be Simon? To be seized and have the cross laid on him so that he could bear it after Jesus?  Did he know Jesus? Who He really was? Did it matter? He carried it anyway.  Do I need all the answers to bear a cross?  Or do I just do it. Like Simon. Just obey. I wonder if he had a family? A job? Somewhere else to be? In those moments, did any of that matter? He still obeyed.  Was he more afraid of the Roman soldiers, or God? Maybe he didn't even know about God. So what's my excuse? 

I have been more and more aware lately of what is controlling my mind. I've been doing this thing called Soul Revolution.  It's an app for my phone, and it sends me a Bible verse, or something to ponder and dwell on about God, every hour from 8 a.m. - 10 p.m.  If anything, it's showed me how much I ignore God throughout the course of my day.  I'll look down at my phone and I have 3 text messages from the past 3 hours, and I didn't think or talk about God at all in those 3 hours. It's been really great for me, and I'd definitely recommend it.  

Sometimes I feel fresh. Sometimes I don't. Especially with the mundane tasks. I guess...sometimes I feel stale. Which means something is out of step. When I say - I have to do this thing or that thing or it'll never get done. I continually search my mind for the things that must be done. But I'm getting better at not doing this every day through His grace. Freshness doesn't result from my obedience, it results from His Holy Spirit.  

God, I thank You for the great work You are doing in me. And in my friends.  I've invited some of my friends to study the book of Luke with me and we're going to start in February! This is in Your hands! My heart was filled with so much joy when they agreed to study with me.  I'm so excited to see what will become of this, what God makes of this! God, You are good. And only good things can come from further exploring Your word. I know it. I trust in You, and You have blessed me with a positive response from these girls. You alone lift my spirit! You have great things in store for these girls. 

Lord, on the flip side, I praise You for giving me wisdom and discernment with some other friends.  You have given me patience and calmness. Friends that are destructive and blatantly walk away from You. I'm so lost and it breaks my heart to see them do this. God, only You can show me how to love these friends, even though they walk away. A love I do not have and I am not capable of having. A love that can only come from You. God I turn to You in hopes that they will turn towards You in time. Remind me that I am no better, and the only reason I have life is because of You. Psalm 9 was good to read for this. You have not forsaken those who seek You.  

I have noticed my affection for God's Word growing each day.  He gets me alone in so many ways. Suffering. Heartbreak. Temptation. Disappointment. Broken relationships. Only when He gets me alone, speechless, unable to move or say anything. That's when He starts teaching me. Am I there yet? Am I able to be taught by Him yet? I think we grow closer each day.

I'm stubbon and ignorant a lot of times. I pray that God reveals something new in me each day, so that I can be speechless before Him and receive His teachings. It's hard in this day and age to get alone time. But then again, not that hard. I don't make the effort or I'm more concerned with other things. My school work. My friends. My exercising. All those things are dust compared to You. Sometimes, ok more times, I need to stop with the questions I constantly have for God. Quiet my mind. And be alone with God. I have selfish motives...I recognize them within me.  I want to be alone with God so that He will teach me and answer all the questions I have raging around in my head.  But I must be alone with You to find You. Not answers. Because You are the answer to every question I have. You are enough. The cross is enough.

"Turn to me and be saved, all the ends of the earth! For I am God, and there is no other." Isaiah 45:22.  

God, You are quite clear here. You say - Turn to Me. And yet this is so difficult! It's so difficult to concentrate on You. His blessings make this exceedingly difficult sometimes too. Troubles make me look to God, but blessings tend to divert my attention elsewhere. And Jesus addresses this in His sermon on the mount. I must narrow all my interests until my mind, heart, and body are focused on Him. I can't look at other Christians, their lives or how they're acting. That's not salvation. God says - Turn to Me and BE saved. If I concentrate on God, I will always find what I'm looking for. I get distracted and irritable with God. But He continues to say - Turn to Me. 

The only clear thing is the way You deal with my soul. I don't understand sorrow and difficulties in other people's lives. I don't know why it is necessary or why it has to happen to them. I don't understand anything. The story a friend shared with me. Her mom died suddenly a week before finals, her grandmother has cancer, her sister has Down's Syndrome, her father cannot work, and she hasn't even taken her finals for her classes from last semester yet. And I thought I had it tough waiting to hear from nursing school. 
"Why, O Lord, do you stand far away? Why do You hide yourself in times of trouble?" Psalm 10:1. It's nice to know David felt the same way too. A very long time ago. The same way I do now.

I'm confused. Just like the disciples were. But I'm calm in the confusion, because of Your Holy Spirit.  I still do not understand all that You do. 

God, Your call is for everyone. But whether I hear it or not depends on the condition of my ears. And what I hear depends on my attitude. God doesn't force anyone or single them out. Isaiah was in the presence of God when he overheard God's call. And Isaiah responded in pure freedom! 
"And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?' Then I said, 'Here am I! Send me.'" Isaiah 6:8
God isn't going to force me or come plead with me. It's a quiet, yet passionate insistence. 
~Leave your boats. Drop your nets. Come and follow Me.~
And they did! I want to be face to face with God like Isaiah, like the disciples. I want to hear what they heard. And in perfect freedom I want to say - Here am I. Send me.
A lot of times I don't hear God. I admit it. I must be so attuned to God like Isaiah was. God's call dug DEEP into his soul. Most of us can't hear anything but ourselves. We've tuned God out. I am incredibly guilty of this. 
My contact with the nature of God will shape my understanding of His call.  And the service in my life is what overflows from a life filled with love and devotion. There's no call to that, it becomes an everyday way of life. And it's beautiful. 

God is bringing me further and deeper into a right relationship with Him. So that I can understand His call and serve Him out of absolute love. 

A lot of times I expect Jesus to quench my  thirst. But I should be satisfying Him. I must pour out my life. My total being. Live a life of pure, uncompromising and unrestrained devotion to Him. Only that will be satisfying to Him. And I have to beware of things that compete with my loyalty to Him. Funny enough, the service I do for Him is a competitor. Let me explain, it's easier for me to serve than to completely pour out my life for Him. God calls me to Himself so  that I may satisfy Him, not just do things for Him. The only way to satisfy Him is to lay down my life. 

My last day on earth was a long time ago. It was then that I buried my old life. It was a death with only one resurrection. I have a oneness with God - to be a witness for Him. He recently revealed this to me at Urbana. And I'm not going to lie, I'm not sure how excited I was about it. I had to die, essentially, to myself. It's my funeral after all. I stopped BEING. I had to agree with God to stop being the striving Christian that I am. That I have been for so long. I avoided this and refused it, so much. I didn't want to go to the cemetery. I had to YIELD. Not strive. I mark Urbana as my last day. The last day I lived. The day I attended my own funeral. That's what He wants. Life with Him is the only way to go.

I must jealously guard my relationship with God. Nothing can come in between. I have to keep my whole life open to Jesus all the time. No pretending. Sometimes I see that I draw my life source from things other than God. Like my friends. My small group. InterVarsity. Exercising. Sleeping. But I can't depend on these things for my freshness and strength. Only God has a never ending supply of life.

This blog is getting a little scary for me. Most of what I'm writing now is coming from my journal. But I don't think I'll regret this. I listened to a TED talk recently that said courage is telling the story of who you are with your whole heart. 

Vulnerability is necessary. Not excruciatingly painful, but not wonderful either. It's necessary. My culture tries to numb vulnerability. We are the most in debt, obese, addicted and medicated culture around. But here's the thing...we can't selectively numb our emotions. When we numb the bad, we numb the good too. And that's tragic. We try to make the uncertain certain, perfect our bodies and our children. In doing so, we miss out on the fact that we are all worthy of love and belonging. 

The only way to combat this, is to let ourselves be seen. And to love with our whole hearts even if there's no guarantee. Practice gratitude and joy. And believe that we are enough for God. Well, I'm letting myself be seen here. My words make me incredibly vulnerable here. Because they have all come from my heart. It's not all nice and happy times, it's real. It's a struggle. But it's beautiful too, because vulnerability is a beautiful thing. Especially before the Lord.      

Side note: I need to not disappear too long, or else a long winded heart spill will ensue yet again.   

I've asked myself some hard questions in my absence. Does everything in my life fill God's heart with gladness? Or do I keep complaining because things don't seem to be going my way? I won't be filled with joy if I've forgotten what He treasures. How much kindness have I shown God this week? Has my life been a good reflection on His reputation? Am I filled to overflowing with love for Jesus as I was in the beginning? I'm not so good with long term things. There was a time when I went out of my way for Him. A time when I only cared for Him. Am I so in love with Him that I don't even think about where He might lead me? That's a soul-searching question for me. 

God, You remember me. As Hagar said - You are a God who sees. A God who sees me. You still see me as Your bride. I've grown up and matured a little, and I'm still in love with You. You saw me in my youth and drew me close to You, You still draw me closer every day.  

You see my darkness and my light.  

You wake me up. I look to You. I build my hope on You. No matter how many things seem to be pressing on me or weighing me down. I'm determined to push them aside and look to God. He is a God who saves. A God who sees. A God who sees my darkness and light. A God who loves me in spite of myself.