"Where are you?"

I'm going to start making a conscious effort to blog once a week.  This week was a rocky one with quite a few ups and downs. But this week was also pretty great, and here's why.

I had some cool and tough realizations this week:
I'm realizing who I am and it's mattering less and less what other people think about that.
I have some wonderful people I can really count on.
I don't think about things the way a lot of other people do.
I have opinions and it's okay to share them. 
I don't take time to be grateful. 
I love to learn, even if that doesn't necessarily reflect in my grades
I like to be liked, and that's dangerous sometimes. 
I'm committed to God, but not super confident in Him right now

I visited a new church recently on what was apparently "sanctity of life Sunday" and needless to say their political affiliation was very apparent.  Even in their prayer they literally said, "Lord, we pray that one day Roe v. Wade will be overturned."  After the initial shock and thinking seriously about getting up and leaving, I decided to stay. I heard them out, even though I don't agree with mixing politics and the church, and I could tell this was a very tight knit community that genuinely loved each other and believed wholeheartedly the same thing. And I realized I don't have that.  No matter where I am or what group I am a part of, we don't always line up with what we think.  And I think that's a reason I've fallen away from the church over the past few months.  Because I haven't felt accepted due to thinking differently, which may be due to Harrisonburg's southern baptist tendencies, or maybe the church in general needs a wake up call.  I think I'm at a point in my life where I'm searching and questioning.  And not for a second am I doubting my faith, but I'm doubting more the way the church presents itself to others (i.e. women who had an abortion, gays, the non-Caucasian population, anyone other than a middle aged white male, women who desire leadership positions and can't have them etc.) I could write a very long blog post about this, maybe I will later. 

In other news, this week I was aware of all the wonderful people I am surrounded by.  I went to a nursing convention last weekend that I know I couldn't have gotten through without these ladies.

We had our 2nd group meeting for Jamaica and I am continually impressed by those girls. I can tell they are so looking forward to serving the homeless mentally ill population there in just a few short weeks.
I met my best friend halfway between our colleges yesterday for coffee and studying, which was much needed. We both just needed to get out of our college towns for an afternoon.  There's just something about being a stranger in a random small town, it's a small kind of freedom. 

My psych clinical was a little rough this week, but I made it.  I have to get used to this different population of patients.  I also have to get used to not being liked by my patients.  Many of them have schizophrenia, anxiety disorders, mood disorders etc. and they're not going to like me very much.  And I have to not take that personally, which is hard for me.  I like getting positive reinforcement, I like being told I'm doing a good job, I like to be liked, essentially. I am not going to get that from my patients in psych. But I'm learning about new medical conditions and I'm enjoying it so far. 

I want to start taking more time to talk about my joys.  So many times I talk about my trials and what I'm struggling with in life. Instead of complaining so much, I want to start writing a list of things I'm grateful for and posting them here so I can always look back and remember them.  Here's some from this week:

~GRATEFULNESS LIST~

• Hot tea - it makes life better sometimes
• Hearing exciting news from a new friend
• Best friends that will drive halfway to meet you for coffee to talk about life
• Strangers in Starbucks that ask your opinion on a project and also give you relationship advice
• Cracker Barrel and deep conversation over hash brown casserole
• Finishing the first day of psych clinical and sleeping
• Being in nursing school, even though I complain about it a lot, and having options for my future
• Doing yoga at 7 am with a good friend and feeling like a champ
• Paying the final deposit on my service trip to Jamaica
• Failing a test by 2 points, because it can only go up from here 
• That donating blood can save lives
• The nice ladies at Va Blood Services who took care of me when I got lightheaded while donating blood 
• God, and that I live in a country where I can get to know Him better through reading the Bible and not live in fear

I'm getting back into reading the Bible. And even though it's just for me, I want to share some things I'm learning or even just reminded of as I go along.
God doesn't accuse us, He gives us the chance to tell Him our side of the story.  "Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?" Gen. 3:10-11.  Do I think God asked this just cause He was wondering? Because He didn't know?  Heck no, He knew what Adam and Eve had done, but He wanted to hear it from them in their own words.  Even before that when Adam and Eve hid themselves from God and God says, "Where are you?"  God knows exactly where we are, and we hide, but He always comes looking for us. And He waits for us to come to Him. So many times I feel like God gets twisted into a condemning, strict Being who has to always lay down the law.  But God's message is NOT condemnation. Even from the beginning, God is unassuming, He comes looking for us, He asks us questions, He is full of grace and mercy. Beautiful. 

I wonder what it was like for God to walk through the garden in the cool of the day. It probably wasn't like this.

It's safe to say I am NOT grateful for the polar vortex. But I'm definitely looking forward to garden-walking-in weather.

If God was walking through a garden with me and asked me "Where are you?" I'm not sure what I would say at this point.  I'm in between a lot of places trying to figure things out. But I don't want to hide.  Psalm 16:2 "I say to the Lord, 'You are my Lord: I have no good apart from you.'"


My obsession with film scores continues. I love the chorus, and it's from LOTR, so there's that.
~Mornie utulie (Darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie alantie (Darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now~
May It Be - Enya 

Cheers, until next time.