That is, according to Urban dictionary. I had to look it up because I'm sitting in a coffee shop called Greenberry's on a Sunday, writing this post and I'm surrounded by these so-called hipsters. And I feel like I'm one of them.
....we accept her, we accept her, one of us, one of us....
one of us - immediately what I thought of.
Maybe I am a freak, and maybe it's not so bad.
"You never read Spider-Man? Accepting your true identity means understanding that you are a stranger to this world. A freak, ostracized by the very people you want to help." -Ted Dekker.
Sometimes it's strange to be surrounded by people and still feel alone. Then add wanting to help and serve people on top of that. You become a chameleon. You become what people need you to be whenever they need it. And as a result you feel used, exhausted and invisible. And I think I've been looking at this the wrong way for a while.
Service should be pouring out my life to the very last drop for others. It has nothing to do with being superior, and it doesn't matter if I get praise or blame. My main motivation should not be love for others.
It's NOT about love for others. At all.
My main motivation should be love for the Lord.
If I devote myself to serving humanity, I get defeated and broken hearted. And I get a great deal of ingratitude from people.
But if I am motivated by my love for God - then no amount of ingratitude can stop me from serving others.
And if I go a layer deeper, Jesus served me to the depths of my selfishness and sin. And nothing I encounter from others can exhaust my determination for serve others for His sake. He came not to be served, but to serve.
It really is all about love, as cliche as that sounds.
Love should take me beyond myself. It's NOT cautious, wise, sensible, shrewd. It is taken to extremes.
And what's really cool is that I'm actually of value to God and I can give simple, human things to Him. Sometimes I feel like He watches me to see if I'm going to give Him small gifts of surrender. Because surrendering to Him is greater than anything else.
I have to stop asking myself if I'm of any use. Of course I'm not. It's not about being of use. It's about being of value.
And I am of value when I surrender and am unafraid of the consequences.
Perfect Love casts out fear.
It's when I refuse to believe that our Hero is going to be conquered. I think I have this fear deep, deep down in the dark places of my heart that love, justice, forgiveness and kindness won't win in the end.
And don't get me wrong, it's stressful. It's stressful to wait for God. And it's scary. And to be honest, it feels like drudgery. And I wonder what I'm really doing here on earth that truly matters.
But from what I've heard, drudgery is the best test to determine the character of someone. Doing work that is far removed from anything we think of as ideal work. It's hard, menial and tiresome. *cough* nursing school *cough*
But I always come back to this: Jesus washed my feet, so I ought to wash others' feet. It's as simple and difficult as that.
"We all have many dreams and aspirations when we are young, but sooner or later we realize we have no power to accomplish them. We cannot do the things we long to do, so our tendency is to think of our dreams and aspirations as dead. But God comes to us and says to us - Arise from the dead." -Oswald Chambers
I'd be lying to myself if I said nursing school was everything I ever hoped and dreamed to do. I want so much more than this. And I must hold on the hope that there is more, so much more waiting for me.
And I think it's ok to question, be unsettled and even wrestle with God. Heck, Jacob wrestled with God and his hip was injured because of it.
I've kept up with my reading for the week as I've been reconciling my faith with who God tells us He is in His Word. I've heard many arguments, how can God be so cruel, how can God hate gay people, how can He be so harsh etc. as evidenced in the Old Testament.
Well, when I read the Old Testament, I see God desiring mercy. Not sacrifice. I see God blessing the descendents of Jacob. God says to consecrate ourselves and be holy, because He is holy. I see God staying with Joseph in prison when his brothers sold him and giving him favor. Joseph, what a cool guy. Joseph also said to his brothers that it was not them who sent him to Egypt, it was God, to preserve life. God literally sent him to prison to save his family's life. It reminds me of Acts 9 when Saul/Paul was a chosen instrument and Jesus says He will show how much he must suffer for the sake of His name.
I even see God's mercy in Leviticus, as painful as it is to read sometimes. Again, drudgery. But in Leviticus 16 there is an atonement day, it's a day made to cleanse yourself to be clean before the Lord from all sins once a year. And the way we atone from sin is through the shedding of blood. The life of flesh is in the blood, and it is given to us by God on the altar to make atonement for ourselves. God desires mercy. Also in Leviticus, God tells the Israelite's to leave food for the poor. To love your neighbor as yourself. To treat strangers well, because they were once strangers in Egypt.
I see a God who desires holiness, and also mercy. Not hate.
Sidenote: Acts 7 is the best summary of the Old Testament, ever. Fastforwarding 2,000 years, then the fun really begins in Acts 10 when the Gentiles can receive the Holy Spirit. That. Is. Life. Changing. What complete joy. Like the story Jesus told about the kingdom of heaven being like a hidden treasure in a field. There is so much joy because you sell all you have and buy the field. That is Acts 10, and it's so cool.
It's so funny when I start a post and all the negative stuff comes out then by the end it's pretty positive. So maybe I'm a hipster, a stranger, a freak. I think it's ok and maybe even how it's supposed to be. Maybe I'm not supposed to be completely satisfied, maybe there's something much bigger waiting for me.
"You who fear the Lord, praise him! All you offspring of Jacob, glorify him, and stand in awe of him, all you offspring of Israel! For He has not despised or abhorred the affliction of the afflicted, and He has not hidden His face from him, but has heard, when he cried to Him." -Ps. 22:23-24
~GRATEFULNESS LIST~
- Giving tours of the nursing building, who knew I'd be doing that 3 years ago
- Having money to deposit in the bank, even though it's a hastle
- Seeing a bad example of a doctor at clinical and seeing how that affects a patient negatively
- Seeing a good example of a social worker at clinical that challenged me to think and problem solve
- Having kind and patient nurses that take the time to teach me
- Sleeping after being awake for 20 hours, it's a truly beautiful thing
- Good food and company meeting with Jamaica trip participants
- Sweet red wine and finding the most wonderful friends in nursing school
- The app Heads-up
- Having our first Kenya trip meeting and being so overwhelmed and excited I can't even handle it
- That God is so merciful
- That Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timerlake bestowed us with History of Rap 5. I'll just leave this here.
Cheers,
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