let it go

Yes, it's been about 5 months since I've blogged. I'm not proud of that, but I'm owning up to it. And I'm going to try to do better about that whole managing my time thing.
I also have this bad habit of not writing when I don't want to examine myself too closely, because I'm afraid of what I'll find. I'm going to try to be better about that too. 

I just read though the last thing I posted, I talked about working for Orientation and how it was the most difficult and rewarding thing I've done yet.

Ha, ha, ha.

I'm not sure there are enough words in the English vocabulary to describe my experience in nursing school last semester.  But I can tell you, I feel like a completely different person now. I kind of wish now that I had blogged throughout it.  Then again, I think I was afraid of what I would find if I wrote.

Last semester was easily the most mentally, physically, and emotionally challenging semester yet. There were breakdowns. There were tears of frustration. Tears of joy. Passing out til 2 a.m. from exhaustion and waking up in utter confusion. Questioning my major. Being on clinical probation. Wondering if I was cut out to be a nurse. Stress eating to the max. I was not a very happy person, to say the least. I would go far enough to say that I was deeply unhappy. I was afraid that I wasn't good enough or smart enough. I was/am afraid of a lot of things.

Nursing school broke me last semester. My A's and B's, turned to C's. Waking up at 4 a.m. for clinical and providing patient care for 8 hours, especially to patients that weren't all that nice (to put it kindly) was extremely difficult.  Working with nurses on the unit that didn't particularly like nursing students or want to help them learn, was kind of like 16 weeks of hazing. If there was something the nurse didn't want to do or didn't feel like doing, oh let's just making the nursing student do it. It's funny, you think you like people until you work in a skilled nursing unit. I didn't have much of a social life outside of nursing school, I went to class, studied, went to clinical, slept, ate, slept some more then studied until I fell asleep. 

But enough about that. That was then, this is now. And no one likes a complainer, right? And Lord bless my parents, they are the most wonderful souls on this planet. They put up with so much complaining this semester and were so supportive all the way.

Nursing school built me up last semester. I worked harder than I ever have for my grades and I really learned the material. I learned how to transcend what my body wants to do (sleep all the freaking time) and go to clinical and work and work and work. I learned how to talk to people who don't like you for no particular reason. I learned how to pay my dues and start from the bottom. I made some beautiful friendships with my fellow nursing students, and not the kind you make just because you have class together, but the kind where you really understand each other and support each other no matter what because even though this nursing school things sucks, it's better because we can suck at it together. 

I needed to be broken so I could put myself back together. Now I feel stronger than ever. Not to say I have it all figured out, let's be real, this is me we're talking about.

Things I've learned:
Grades don't make me who I am.  I don't have to be liked by everyone. Hard work goes such a long way. Sometimes you have to start at rock bottom and work your way up, ok a lot of times, and it's not a lot of fun. I wouldn't be here without my friends, outside and inside of nursing school, they keep me sane.

Now I am still a nursing major in my second week of spring semester.  I have so much to look forward to. I'm leading a service trip to Jamaica over spring break and studying abroad in Kenya over the summer.

Also, something I learned, I am NOT my major. That should not be how I define myself. Sure, I want to be a nurse someday, but I am so much more than that. I am hard working, an avid movie lover, book nerd, coffee addict, frequenter of farmers markets, empathetic to the point it hurts sometimes, introvert, live music fan girl, art appreciator, quote collector, adventure seeker, passionate wanderluster and word maker-upper. I think I got a little lost last semester, and now I'm trying to find my way back to me. 

Here's just a few highlights from my last semester:

Football games!

 

 Hiking High Knob

Seeing Kishi Bashi and City & Colour live with my best friend

 Planning the trip to Jamaica with my wonderful co-leader

 Some lovely beach evenings in the 757

Surviving my first clinical with these ladies

 

 Seeing the Catching Fire midnight premiere

Thanksgiving in Key West...

...Celebrating sunsets...

...Wishing I could be a pirate...

...and exploring a deserted island.

Going to see The Nutcracker Ballet

Ringing in the New Year in Corolla, NC...

...with my beautiful friends.

I've also officially jumped on the Frozen fandom train. I think this song is a perfect description of where I've been lately, and it's just a wonderful song, and movie. 

~Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone

Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway~

Let It Go 

 Today was a snow day and so is tomorrow, there's about 6 inches here in Harrisonburg. Frozen is literally happening in real life. Can't say I hate being curled up in bed watching movies (and doing homework, of course).

It's nice to breathe for a bit. 

And considering the weather conditions I thought this clip was appropriate. Olaf is my new role model. What a fearless optimist.
Olaf's No Heat Experience + In Summer 

Cheers :)