This week has been a struggle.
It's been tough to get back in the swing of things.
It's tough falling in love with a place and the people there and then suddenly have to leave.
It's tough to be separated from a group of people you grew so close to that was like family.
The last few weeks of school are just plain tough. Classes are quickly piling up. Finals are swiftly approaching.
And on top of everything else, my nursing school application was due this week. And I had a job interview this morning. It's been a challenge.
Ask almost anyone, and they know I've been freaking out this week. I've just been under so much stress.
And what do I do when I'm under stress?
I try to control it. I try to control my time, my circumstances, my work, everything. I try to plan everything out and anticipate how everything is going to go. I worry and I worry and I worry. Until nothing's left but exhaustion.
I was talking to my dad on the phone the other day and he told me - "Sarah, you're trying to control the uncontrollable. Like you usually do."
Isn't that so true though? That's definitely what I do. I try to control things I have absolutely no control over.
I can't control if I get into nursing school (to an extent). I can't control if I get this job. And the reason I've been so burned out this week is because I tried to do it all on my own. Emphasis on the I. Me. Only myself. And it was the worst idea ever.
This song basically sums up my week. It came on my iPod when I was riding the bus one night this week.
Empty My Hands - Tenth Avenue North
The lyrics get me every time. They just speak to me. And it's exactly what I've been going through.
Here are the lyrics:
~ I've got voices in my head and they are so strong
And I'm getting sick of this oh Lord, how long
Will I be haunted by the fear that I believe
My hands like locks on cages
Of these dreams I can't set free
But if I let these dreams die
If I lay down all my wounded pride
If I let these dreams die
Will I find that letting go lets me come alive?
So empty my hands
Fill up my heart
Capture my mind with You
These voices speak instead and what's right is wrong
And I'm giving into them, please Lord, how long
Will I be held captive by the lies that I believe
My heart's in constant chaos and it keeps me so deceived
But if I let these dreams die
If I could just lay down my dark desire
If I let these dreams die
Will I find You brought me back to life
So empty my hands
Fill up my heart
Capture my mind with You
'Cause my mind is like a building burning down
I need Your grace to keep me, keep me from the ground
And my heart is just a prisoner of war
A slave to what it wants and to what I'm fighting for
So won't you empty my hands
Fill up my heart
Capture my mind with You
Empty my hands
Fill up my heart
Capture my mind with You
With You
I need You now ~
I'm this person. I've been allowing myself to believe the lies in my head. And I've looked to my own devices to solve my problems instead of looking to Him. I've thought - who am I to get into nursing school? I'm not that smart. It's so competitive. I'm probably not good enough. And the same for the job interview.
But my God is greater than the thoughts and lies in my head.
God, please empty my hands. Fill up my heart. And completely capture my mind with You. I've gotten so sidetracked lately. I thought I had this handled, but I seriously don't. I need You more than anything. I need Your grace. I know You have a plan much greater than my dreams and desires. Help me lay those at Your feet.
Empty my hands.
I need to let go. And set my eyes on You.
I'm excited I'm going home this weekend. I think it'll be a good thing for me. It's been a month since I've been home. I'm really looking forward to seeing my parents and my cats!
And I seriously need to relax.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future...You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11,13
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