I'm learning more and more than writing comes in seasons. Some days I feel like I can't get through if I don't write down what I think and feel. Sometimes I can go a month without saying anything. Today is a day I can't get through without this.
Today isn't particularly different from any other day. But so much has happened. I worked for Transfer Summer Springboard for two weeks. It was long days with the hot sun, but it was extremely rewarding work. I was nervous at first that I wouldn't connect with the transfer students coming to JMU because I did not transfer to JMU myself. Not the case at all. I know I brought my own unique experience at JMU to the table which can benefit others even if it was drastically different.
Working for Transfer Sprinboard, long story short, was amazing. It challenged me in ways I never expected. I danced on stage. I led an auditorium in Cheers, which is like public speaking on stage in front of 300 people. I facilitated small group discussions. I interacted with families that actually wanted to hear about my experience. If a year ago someone told me I would ever do those things, I would have laughed hysterically.
But lately, it's been tough. I'm not going to lie. I'm back in Harrisonburg working for First Year Summer Springboard. I've been frustrated with myself and some of the team. We're still in training and it's hard to not compare it to the group dynamic from transfer springboard. It's challenging to come back after this amazing experience with transfer springboard and see first year summer springboard with brand new eyes. But that's exactly what I need to do. And it's tough.
A common theme I've been noticing recently in my life is GRACE. It's come up multiple times. When I've told friends about my frustrations with myself and the team, they've had the same answer. This can be a beautiful opportunity to challenge myself to give grace to people and see what's so great and amazing about them. But first, and perhaps the hardest thing, is I have to give grace to myself. And I haven't been doing that.
I've realized that I hold myself to extremely, and mostly unreachable, high standards. And not everyone else has those same standards. I envy those people. I expect a lot from myself. And when I mess up, I come down very hard on myself. And what's worse, I can sometimes do this with others. But I'm human, we're all human. I have so many flaws. They make me who I am. And I've been withholding grace from myself and others. And I simply can't do that. Because I'm going to mess up a lot this summer, I know that already. I've already messed up a lot. But I've learned so much, and that's most important.
Oh it gets better. My small group leader is in town this summer, thankfully. We got ice cream the other night. And she asked me a very difficult question that I haven't asked myself lately. And it hurt, but in a good way.
"How are you and God doing lately?"
Yeah. About that. What a wake up call. I desperately need grace in my life. It's been a couple months since I've wasted time with God. I got full of myself and glorified my busy schedule. And I've been pushing God to the side. And she had an excellent point. How do you make Christ the center of something (like orientation) that is not Christ-centered in any way, shape, or form? Where is His place in this work? Because He is here and He is working. I just haven't cared enough to look for Him.
I've gone to Aletheia twice now, which is a student centered non-denominational church here. I like it, clearly enough to go back another time. But I want to check out some other churches too. Not to say that going to church here fixes everything. Not in the slightest. This has been an issue in my heart where I idolize being busy. I've idolized my time. I like to be in control, know what's coming next, be on a schedule. And orientation allows me to do that so I thought I didn't need God to be part of it. I've been foolish. So, so foolish. And I've gotten frustrated with myself and others. Because I've forgotten we all need grace.
God, in this moment, I can't express how much I need You. I need Your grace. I need Your forgiveness. Why have I been acting this way? What made me ever think I could do this without You? I falsely believe that I'm in control. It's a charade. It's not from You. Please empty me of myself. My foolish idea of being in control. Fill me with Your Spirit. You alone are GREAT. You alone are in control. I've idolized my busy schedule and my time. I've put those things before You, please forgive me. You alone are worthy of my time. Your GRACE is perfect and beautiful and I am undeserving of it. But that's the point. If I deserved it, I wouldn't need You, and I desperately do. More than anything in this whole world. You have claimed me and I am Yours. God, thank you for giving me grace and loving me the way You do.
"My GRACE is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." -2 Corinthians 12:9
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